A week ago I thought about what I should write. And mainly it was because I haven’t written for so long. As I walked through Target on a Thursday night I thought, “how odd to eat dinner at the Target.” I was picking up antibiotics for my latest sinus infection and I looked over and saw a small family eating dinner at the food court area near the carts. The lone employee looked bored and downtrodden. Eating at the Target makes the meal less special to me. When I eat, I like to focus.
By Saturday, I was thinking about the impending Mother’s Day deadline for which I was not prepared. I’d been sick since Tuesday of that week and all of my energy went to making it through work and breathing while propped up on my couch or in bed. I had an appointment with the dietitian and the exercise psychologist on Wednesday morning – I smiled and nodded and took notes even through all I wanted to do was drive straight home and crawl into my bed.
I was anxious and excited for my latest weight, body fat, and fat free mass reading. It was my third and this time it was not “that week” where I was retaining water and I’d been eating so well and exercising – my home scale told me I was down 10 pounds in a little less than 2 months. I weighed in at 235 lbs – the scale at the doctor’s office was telling me the same thing my home scale said – YOU DID IT. I thought I would be joyful but I was sort of depressed thinking about how 2 months is drop in the bucket compared to how much longer I have on my journey to getting rid of my excess weight and reaching my goal of being athletic and fit with a butt like the crossfit trainer who operates her gym at our office building. Seriously, this woman has the kind of body I would love – she’s lean, muscled, and shapely. But best of all – she’s strong and powerful. How could you not feel like you could take on anything in the world with a body like that? I don’t really want to do crossfit, but I would not mind finding out how to get a butt like hers. I’ve always had a sort of flat bottom. I know I probably won’t ever have an apple bottom, but there’s room for some improvement in my derriere.
Saturday was also the day I was supposed to run my first 5k. The weekend before I did a practice run around my neighborhood, mixing running and walking for 50 minutes up and down the sidewalks. It as raining when I woke up and took my medicine – and then crawled on the couch and stayed there until late afternoon. I missed the 5k, but I wasn’t even going to get a t-shirt and everyone knows the t-shirt is one of the best parts. It’s a badge of honor. A beacon of pride. A “hey, look at me. I’m one of them fit peoples.” I really wanted the bragging rights.
This week when I hopped on the scale for my weekly check, I was up 2 pounds. The body is a pretty crazy and amazing thing. Even through I was sick, I was still tracking my food everyday and eating healthy. Unfortunately, I was not able to exercise. There is no way I ingested an extra 7000 calories over my BMR in order to gain weight. So how was I suddenly 2 pounds heavier?
The rest of the week I tried not to think about my weigh in. I tried to focus on making good choices even though I was frustrated. I realized that this is what it’s going to be like for the next 2 years or so. I am going to get sick and not be able to work out. I am going to retain water one week out of the month. Sometimes, things will not go as planned. But I am still here.
