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Posts Tagged ‘shame’

  1. Itchy

    December 3, 2011 by Blondette

    Something has been bugging me all day.

    I almost cried.

    So here’s what happened. A few weeks ago I went to my friend’s Celebrating Home party. You know the type, there’s a catalog and a bunch of women and food and drink. I wasn’t very excited to attend because I shouldn’t be spending money and I knew I’d feel obligated to do so. But I went because it was important to my friend. Well, part of the party involved a game that basically locked you into having your own party unless you were one of the 10% who didn’t get the “host a party” message in your gift box. I could have given the box back but I HAD TO KNOW WHAT IT CONTAINED! Stupid curiosity.

    So, I booked a party.

    I don’t host a lot of guests. I like having people over, but I’m awful with timing and people never seem to want to come to my house. (Probably because I have 3 cats and live way up north – I get it.) When I emailed out the invites I didn’t get a lot of “yes” results, but I got a few. So, I pressed on with preparation because by that point, I was kind of looking forward to having people over. I spent an entire day and the following morning cleaning my house. (Because I have pets I wanted to make sure I was really diligent in the scrubbing so 1) it wouldn’t be super obvious that I have pets 2) people would feel relaxed at ease).)

    Maybe I picked a bad day and time. Just because 11am on a Saturday is good for me doesn’t mean it is for others. Unless it’s something they want to do like watch a football game.

    I sat with my super clean house, food cooking, and drinks and cups ready to go. My house smelled lovely and warm and my Christmas decorations twinkled. I hovered and perched with my eyes darting toward the open front door. 11:04, eh, it’s raining and that’s margin of error. 11:11, eh. 11:15..hmm. 11:20, I, I, I don’t think anyone is coming. 11:30, I guess I have to call it.

    No one came. (except my friend the designer)

    Only one person  out of 4 who said yes contacted me to tell me they weren’t going to show up.

    What happened to people that they aren’t considerate enough to let someone know that they aren’t going to come to the party they RSVP’d for, the party someone spent HOURS cleaning for, and  the party spent mucho dinero to buy supplies for? Do people not think about the work, time, and money that goes into having people over? Maybe I would have preferred doing something else with my Saturday morning too.  I could have canceled the party. It would have felt better. I missed my class at the gym because people said they were coming. My friend was happy because her enthusiasm had waned and she no longer wanted to do the party, but I couldn’t even verbalize my disappointment to her. Did she not stop to think how it must have felt to have worked so hard and had no one show up? It’s like being stood up on a date. But I didn’t say anything and that’s on me.

    I felt like an idiot. Not only were my feelings hurt, but I started to doubt myself. If someone didn’t want to come, why didn’t they just come out and be honest about it? And if they decided to flake day of? Why not email, text, call, or Facebook to say “sorry, I can’t come.”

    I spent a lot of the day trying to brush away my feelings of anger, shame, and disappointment. “Come on Katie, it’s silly to care. It’s silly to feel hurt about this.” Only, it’s not because it’s how I feel. And people SHOULD feel bad. (except the person who did text me)

    I tried to spin it into positive and keep my chin up. My house is super clean and that’s awesome. I have plenty of booze and booze supplies for holiday gatherings. I didn’t have to have awkward moments where people didn’t want to buy stuff.

    Maybe what bothered me most was that I wouldn’t treat anyone that way. So why did they think it was okay to treat me that way? And why do I feel bad that I might make them feel bad for making me feel bad? And all I really still feel is “God, I suck at life.” I don’t suck at life, but I sure seem to suck at social life. Events like this make me want to say “Fuck people.” Only, I can’t. I won’t. I’ll still smile and be upbeat and be kind and generous. Even when it hurts. I just wish people cared.

     

    Category heart of the matter, rants | Tags: ,,,, | 8 Comments

  2. July 29, 2010 by Blondette

    Until yesterday, I’d never cried on an airplane. In fact, I try to keep crying, particularly crying in public, to a minimum. It embarrasses me and the shame and awkwardness I feel is just unnecessary when I already feel shame and awkwardness due to my weight. I went through a phase where nothing reached me and I simply did not feel that burning leap that comes with the rush of whatever happy or sad emotion generates the crying response. And then it was back. And it was really back. So back that very small things would bubble up. In fact, I can’t card shop at Hallmark these days without welling up (I’m not kidding here, just so you know.)

    On that flight I came to realize that I’m depressed. Officially and completely, depressed. The signs and symptoms have been around for months, but I’ve been trying to slog through them and for whatever reason, I am simply no longer able to “slog.” If I’m not sad, I’m angry. If I’m not angry, I’m anxious. I have no motivation to keep a clean house or make myself presentable. It’s some sort of miracle that I’ve kept any momentum on eating healthier and exercising given my motivation issues. I can only hope this means that the worst has come and I’m pulling out of the trance because I’m doing something to save myself.

    So now, I look to my family, friends, God, and I turn inward…and I take Xanax.

    Category heart of the matter | Tags: ,,,, | No Comments

  3. This Was My Week

    March 21, 2010 by Blondette

    Saturday morning. Snow.  Too much snow. Bright and glaring on my TV screen as I watch an “artistic” movie which contrasts the snow in a way that makes me uncomfortable. (PS. Unfortunately, I cannot recommend you view New York, I Love You) (I can recommend you buy a blu-ray player that allows you to use Netflix Instant Queue. Life changing. Thank you Bob! -yeah, I didn’t  buy mine; it was a birthday gift from the world’s best stepdad.)

    All the things I thought about this week are still hanging out in my mind. What workout should I do? Oh, I didn’t work out. I should send something spontaneous to my dad and his family out East. I should tell them how I feel. I should send something to my Oma and see how she is doing. I should let her know I give a damn and I think about her every day. I should call my mom more. I should clean a little bit. I should put the rest of the rooms in my house “together.” I shouldn’t eat the cookies. Dang it – I ate the cookies, but they were such a nice compliment to the coffee! Of which I drank an entire pot. I should work on having more sex. Oh, guess it’s been a while. Hmm. I should work on not embarrassing myself on my blog.

    Knowing that my hormones are fluxing, I must continually repeat “I control how I feel.” I’m a big believer in cognitive behavioral therapy as a way of life. You feel something and you give yourself a chance to feel it, and then you say “Um, is this how I WANT to feel?” and you change it if it’s not. Because you can control a lot more than you think you can simply through your mindset and attitude. (it doesn’t always work and it’s really hard, like really hard, but it sure helps)

    In this case, I happened to check my work email and saw a couple things that just hit me wrong and from there I felt the cortisol shoot straight to my belly fat. Shit. And then…”I control how I feel.” I bound up my stairs to shower and dress and say “F U snow! My ass is going to Sephora and you can’t stop me!” Because new makeup will help me control how I feel. X dollars later…I felt better! It worked! Perhaps I was influenced by Confessions of a Shopaholic…perhaps. But, it is unhealthy to use old cosmetics and what I bought is much better for my skin and I look radiant and my eyes pop and I feel pretty again.

    And feeling pretty helps ease the knots and tears.

    without you i'm a drift coffee mug

    I love puns and coffee. This is the full picture that goes with the thumbnail for the post. It's my punny snowman coffee mug.

    Category blah blah | Tags: ,, | No Comments

  4. Upside Down MMM

    March 8, 2010 by Blondette

    How do you keep a blonde occupied for hours? Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

    *groan*

    I used M&Ms as study aids in college which became a bad habit. But when you’re sitting at a desk for hours, composing, editing, typing, trying to stay focused and productive (though your productively has always been bursty) you need something to do to stay away and use your fidgety energy. I can sit down and easily eat half a 12 oz bag of Almond of Peanut in one sitting. They start to lose their original deliciousness, but you keep popping them in, hoping that the next one will bring that same first delight.

    This is a confession of a bad habit. It’s so unhealthy and I’m telling you about it because I just ate a fraction of a bag of M&Ms for no reason. I’m starting to think I’ve got some sort of chemical imbalance right now because I’m always wanting to eat.

    Sometimes I don’t want to eat. Not lately. Lately all I can think about is food. I’m torn between whether this is stress induced – a comforting mechanism or just a simply my body being confused.

    I know I write about food, body image, and exercise a lot. I am kicking around starting a separate blog to write about this quest. When I did so well those 5 years ago, part of my success was the community I had where I could talk about my struggles and accomplishments. The other factor was my LiveJournal for recording thoughts and feelings. Granted, it was a lot easier to devote my life to this when I was only working part time (well at the end I was working 40 hrs a week but that seems like part time to me now) and I could get up and work out at my optimal time (10am – 2pm; kinda hard to fit that into a normal work week.)

    What do you think? Separate blog, or keep it here?

    And that picture? It’s from my brother’s wedding. I’m the fat one of course!

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: , | 3 Comments

  5. Hourly Rates

    March 7, 2010 by Blondette

    A phenomena that I’ve observed since adulthood – things I would say, do, or feel are different based on the time of day. I don’t wake up wanting to go to happy hour in the evening. I feel like sitting in my big red chair with coffee and my laptop until my own odor motivates me to bathe.

    What I write in a post is different based on the time of day and I often work on a post several times before I actually publish it so it gets some of the morning me and nighttime me. Balance, just for you. *wink*

    I am much more forthright at night or after half a pot of coffee. (or 10 drinks) I’ve discovered an inability to share specific thoughts and feelings only in certain situations. Work and family – you got it. Friends and “friends” – there is a hesitation at times – a fear.

    That same shield I use in those relationships covers this blog. I could write with greater directness and clarity at times, but to what end?

    When I was 10, 12, 18, who knows at this point, I used to soak up the sunshine with CMT or the radio and just absorb the time. Today, as I work through all of the clothing and linens I own (Day 2!) it’s the same feeling – years later, my gut hurts, my lungs twitch, and my eyes water. Looking through my cousin’s pictures on Facebook, seeing her life and knowing the somewhat normal path she will have puts me in a little bit of a funk.

    One of my biggest hangups in life, the one for which I’m still stuck, is the normalcy the “how did I deviate from that?” Why not me? I tried to catch up very quickly in college and succeeded in only superficial ways. It wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I needed. And then I gave up. I lost hope. And the I regained it…and lost it. I continue to live this cycle.

    I’m letting the sun into my bedroom and I look out and see a man running and something inside kicks. (no, I’m not pregnant) I try too hard to make things happen. To make them what I picture. To make them what I see around me.

    On a good note, I’m organizing and purging so I’m not hanging on to old things. But what do you do when there’s old stuff you want to hang on to? Stuff you shouldn’t. Stuff you should put down in peace.

    At what point do we both feel and express our emotions – fully, deeply – and at what point do we let our rational thought quell the emotional bits? When is it okay to feel and act without restraint? And if we never let ourselves feel or act, do we cheat ourselves and keep spinning, a blur of hope, joy, love, fear, anger, disappointment and sadness?

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: ,,, | No Comments

  6. Crunch Count

    October 11, 2009 by Blondette

    Crunch Count: 52 (40 + 12)

    Tonight, I spontaneously laid on the floor and started doing crunches. What was once a daily occurrence has become a “dude, weird”- BLOGWORTHY incident.

    Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

    Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

    I’ve written several times before about how I used to work out like a fiend and I used to eat healthy (different ways and times) and how I really want to get back into a healthier lifestyle.

    I don’t have any excuses. I just don’t do it. I get lazy. I de-priortize. I choose my couch. Anyhow, here’s what I remembered and learned from my spontaneous crunch time.

    1. I can’t do as many crunches as I used to be able to do. I was feeling it at 30. I stopped at 40, stretched, and did 12 more.
    2. I used to be able to sit in a butterfly position and touch my face to my feet, and then touch my face to the ground. I was a few inches shy of touching my feet tonight. My fluffy socks are freshly laundered and everything.

      Face should have gone here. Clean, fluffy socks.

      Face should have gone here. Clean, fluffy socks.

    3. That crack in the ceiling is pretty noticeable from your back on the floor.
    4. There’s a few other spots on the ceiling that appear to be patch jobs.
    5. Will hips always make that popping noise? That used to happen during the glory days.
    6. I was way too easy on myself. I could have done more types of exercises and more sets of crunches. I could have busted out the pilates DVD that I’ve used once.
    7. The nightly crunches and stretches used to make me feel great before getting into bed and ultimately made me more comfortable…and relaxed.
    8. Cats don’t understand what you’re doing when you’re on the floor doing crunches and stretches. They poke you in the butt.

    Category blah blah | Tags: , | 1 Comment

  7. Rump Roast

    March 18, 2009 by Blondette

    Ever wonder what happens if you buy panties that are one size too big? Well folks, let me tell you about my trip to Hy-Vee yesterday. First, I was super excited this weekend to buy some new, pretty panties on sale. Maybe it’s a girl thing, but a new pair of panties every so often just adds an extra bounce in your step because you know what’s under your clothes looks goooood.

    Well, I learned a valuable lesson about undies yesterday. Perhaps we all know the lesson of buying too small, but buying too big is just as tragic. Going commando in the Hy-Vee because your panties won’t stay on is not fun. Nor is going to the Hy-Vee bathroom 3 times as you contemplate which is worse: walking around with your undies clenched at your thighs, or walking around the grocery store with your panties in your purse and the special breeze only exposed privates can give you. Oh, did I forget to mention I was wearing a DRESS. It’s a really pretty black and off-whiteish Spring dress. Like my new underpants, I was excited to wear it. In fact, I had to wait for a day that was special enough for the unveiling– and I ask you, what day is better than a near 80 degree St. Patrick’s Day?

    The upside? At least I didn’t have to be paranoid that my dress was tucked into my underwear, thus exposing my rear.

    Category blah blah, humor | Tags: ,, | No Comments