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Posts Tagged ‘responsible’

  1. Itchy

    December 3, 2011 by Blondette

    Something has been bugging me all day.

    I almost cried.

    So here’s what happened. A few weeks ago I went to my friend’s Celebrating Home party. You know the type, there’s a catalog and a bunch of women and food and drink. I wasn’t very excited to attend because I shouldn’t be spending money and I knew I’d feel obligated to do so. But I went because it was important to my friend. Well, part of the party involved a game that basically locked you into having your own party unless you were one of the 10% who didn’t get the “host a party” message in your gift box. I could have given the box back but I HAD TO KNOW WHAT IT CONTAINED! Stupid curiosity.

    So, I booked a party.

    I don’t host a lot of guests. I like having people over, but I’m awful with timing and people never seem to want to come to my house. (Probably because I have 3 cats and live way up north – I get it.) When I emailed out the invites I didn’t get a lot of “yes” results, but I got a few. So, I pressed on with preparation because by that point, I was kind of looking forward to having people over. I spent an entire day and the following morning cleaning my house. (Because I have pets I wanted to make sure I was really diligent in the scrubbing so 1) it wouldn’t be super obvious that I have pets 2) people would feel relaxed at ease).)

    Maybe I picked a bad day and time. Just because 11am on a Saturday is good for me doesn’t mean it is for others. Unless it’s something they want to do like watch a football game.

    I sat with my super clean house, food cooking, and drinks and cups ready to go. My house smelled lovely and warm and my Christmas decorations twinkled. I hovered and perched with my eyes darting toward the open front door. 11:04, eh, it’s raining and that’s margin of error. 11:11, eh. 11:15..hmm. 11:20, I, I, I don’t think anyone is coming. 11:30, I guess I have to call it.

    No one came. (except my friend the designer)

    Only one person  out of 4 who said yes contacted me to tell me they weren’t going to show up.

    What happened to people that they aren’t considerate enough to let someone know that they aren’t going to come to the party they RSVP’d for, the party someone spent HOURS cleaning for, and  the party spent mucho dinero to buy supplies for? Do people not think about the work, time, and money that goes into having people over? Maybe I would have preferred doing something else with my Saturday morning too.  I could have canceled the party. It would have felt better. I missed my class at the gym because people said they were coming. My friend was happy because her enthusiasm had waned and she no longer wanted to do the party, but I couldn’t even verbalize my disappointment to her. Did she not stop to think how it must have felt to have worked so hard and had no one show up? It’s like being stood up on a date. But I didn’t say anything and that’s on me.

    I felt like an idiot. Not only were my feelings hurt, but I started to doubt myself. If someone didn’t want to come, why didn’t they just come out and be honest about it? And if they decided to flake day of? Why not email, text, call, or Facebook to say “sorry, I can’t come.”

    I spent a lot of the day trying to brush away my feelings of anger, shame, and disappointment. “Come on Katie, it’s silly to care. It’s silly to feel hurt about this.” Only, it’s not because it’s how I feel. And people SHOULD feel bad. (except the person who did text me)

    I tried to spin it into positive and keep my chin up. My house is super clean and that’s awesome. I have plenty of booze and booze supplies for holiday gatherings. I didn’t have to have awkward moments where people didn’t want to buy stuff.

    Maybe what bothered me most was that I wouldn’t treat anyone that way. So why did they think it was okay to treat me that way? And why do I feel bad that I might make them feel bad for making me feel bad? And all I really still feel is “God, I suck at life.” I don’t suck at life, but I sure seem to suck at social life. Events like this make me want to say “Fuck people.” Only, I can’t. I won’t. I’ll still smile and be upbeat and be kind and generous. Even when it hurts. I just wish people cared.

     

    Category heart of the matter, rants | Tags: ,,,, | 8 Comments

  2. Today’s Question

    November 27, 2011 by Blondette

    There’s a man in my neighborhood who runs with his arms locked at his sides. Somewhere beyond 50 years old, lean, and meticulous, he half runs. I see him and I think “hey, there’s that guy again.” Everything I’ve read about proper running form says he’s doing it wrong. Arms are meant to be soft, loose, and at a 90 degree angle. They should swing and pump. Instead, this man seems to be doing everything in his power to keep his arms clicked firmly down in an unnatural manner. Why would he fight such a natural movement?

    At what point do you stop calculating and just do?

    As adults we are expected to manage households, hold down jobs (and exceed expectations!), please and care for others in our lives (and exceed expectations!), eat mindfully, eat healthfully, exercise, rest, sleep right, don’t drink too much, don’t be a spoiled sport, don’t take life too seriously, don’t be fat, don’t be too skinny, save your money, travel and be worldly, and love.

    It becomes overwhelming to find the balance. The messages are everywhere in our media, our conversations, and our looks. How do we know when what we are doing is enough? When we are enough.

    Is running with your arms clenched and immobile better than not running at all?

     

     

    Category heart of the matter | Tags: ,, | 1 Comment

  3. The More They Stay the Same

    June 17, 2010 by Blondette

    I ended up starting a new blog for all of my “I’m soo fat! *waaaah waaaah waaahh*” posts. On it, I actually will talk about my continued quest to eat healthy and figure out how to incorporate exercise back into my life. Here’s the URL: http://fatladykatie.wordpress.com/

    It’s the busy season at work (yes, I know it’s always busy, but this is the busiest!) so I’m doing a lot more traveling and pulling longer (yes, it’s possible) hours than usual. I struggled earlier this year with balance and motivation. As I approach my 30th birthday I spend more time evaluating my goals and the current state of my life. I’ve devoted my twenties to my career, but I also know that as a woman, the longer I wait to fulfill my other goals/dreams of having a family, the harder it will be to fulfill them. It’s scary. It’s scary to think that I may never have those other things and that I will have to seek purpose and joy from my career alone. I’m pretty sure the consistent weight gain of the past 7 months is directly correlated to my stress over my life evaluation. I stop and wonder “who’s going to want me?” It depresses me so I put it out of my mind and focus on something else – thus avoiding the problem all together.

    So, what do you do readers? How do you face the music?

    Also, I’m blonde again.

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: ,,,,, | No Comments

  4. I Wrote You in My Head Only

    February 14, 2010 by Blondette

    When I can’t sleep, I compose. Once, I swear I composed an entire symphony in my N1 sleep. It may have been a dream mixing with the classical music station that I was fond of listening to before bed at that time of my life. Regardless, I often compose posts, conversations, and schedules when my brain is supposed to be slowing down for the day. Common problem for the insomnia driven – you are tired, but your brain doesn’t cooperate. About 95% of the time, once I write to you all (in my head) and put all my “to-dos” in order (okay, I usually have to go through it a few times so I remember and just out of pure anxiety), I drift off.

    During particularly stressful and busy weeks at work, my dreams mirror my days and are cast with work colleagues, clients, and settings. So, no matter how hard I try, I just don’t quite shut off completely.

    Last night, Saturday night, I stopped and reflected on my compositions. You see, most of the time, I don’t carry out three quarters of my “to-dos.” I become so one track focused on work that I do not keep up with anything else. And then I wear myself out thinking about it, feeling guilty about it. Imagine, I thought, if I were to just do one of those things. Imagine if when I came home, I took 15 minutes to do laundry, 5 minutes to clean the litter boxes, 5 minutes to clean the kitchen. Let’s just say half an hour of chores. Well, that’s not too much time to take away from my work and it could quite certainly be about the same amount of time my weary self lies awake composing.

    So, that’s what I’m going to work on. I’m going to try and I’m going to see it reduces my stress level.

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: ,, | 1 Comment

  5. How I Can Make a Difference

    January 30, 2010 by Blondette

    QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability in Work and in Life QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability in Work and in Life by John G. Miller

    My rating: 4 of 5 stars
    My company used to have a book club in which the entire staff participated. Prior to my becoming a full time employee with the company and being included in this activity, they read “QBQ!” The book continues to be referenced by executive management and our Account Service Department is reading the book together. Well, I couldn’t be left out, so I had to buy it and read it for myself. I learned a few of the principles in this book though my own failings earlier in life (okay, within the last 12 years) and truly believe in the power of personal accountability. I take away an even greater depth to some of the basics I’ve already embraced and something I can share as I coach my team at work. No, I can’t change them, but I can share this book. Favorites for me: you always have a choice (I’ve been saying this for years.) Stress is a choice. Think in “I” terms not them. Do not adopt victim mentality. It’s energizing to read a book and flip your thinking.

    View all my reviews >>

    Category Book Reviews | Tags: ,,,, | 2 Comments

  6. Jettas and Lofts

    December 5, 2009 by Blondette

    When I was in my final year of college, I needed motivation to get through my courses. I took more than a full load to ensure I’d be able to finish in time for Spring Graduation. Most people know my college story, how I showed up and quit the band, changed my major, lost and gained friends, and then gained a social life and finally started maturing in ways I hadn’t in high school. (My first kiss was in a bar fueled by well rum.) So, let’s move past that and go on to Year 5. (yes, remember part of the story is ruining a year of school due to socializing. ahh, lessons learned.)

    Year 5 started with a switch in residence. I was living with several other girls in a house off campus, but drama ensued and I moved in with my brother for a few weeks and then moved back into the dorms on campus. I took a summer intersession class on Death and Human Behavior that was very educational, but after the drama that had ensued also left me on the south side of happy. Coupled with my capstone course on the journals of war veterans, I was questioning quite a few things.

    I devoted myself to school and actually attended classes and completed assignments. I also carried on a relationship with someone long distance over the Internet. When we met in person I realized I didn’t know myself at all, or didn’t value myself very much.

    I won’t say that meeting people online or having friends online is bad. I actually know a lot of people that I met online. I also carried on a friendship long distance online that proved critical to my success in school. This friend reminded me of the endgame and why I shouldn’t give up or half-ass school. There were classes that I hated but had to take (PED 100.) For the most part, my courses that final year were all interesting and valuable, but they happened to just pile up at the end. I was in a do or don’t graduate with the basic computer class requirement (I never took the basic computer class because let’s face it, yawn. My options were to test out of the requirement or take the class the next summer. True to form, I put myself in this situation and knew there was no way I was taking that class in the summer. Thankfully, my experience the previous 4 years taught me enough about computers to pass the exam. Scrape.)

    I also put myself in a neat situation with my math requirement. I enjoy math. I still do multiplication and division long hand except when I’m at work or don’t have a writing stick or paper. I do a lot of squirrely math to figure out any number of things like how much my personal property tax will be, or my household budget. Having taken every possible math course offered by my high school and achieving an A in each I knew I wasn’t going to take a basic college math course in college. I signed up for the 5 credit hour calculus 1 (the one that math and science majors took and not a place where many English majors ventured) and figured it would be fairly easy. There is nothing more humiliating (okay there is but this is well placed hyperbole) than failing at something you’ve successfully done before. Like weight loss. I attempted to retake the class a couple more times and failed each time resulting in 5 credit hours of D on my transcript. Resolved that I was  better than my DDDDD (knock off a couple Ds and you’ve got my bra size) I decided to give it one last shot. Point of success number one: my teacher was a native English speaker. Point of success number two: my teacher was not obsessed with logarithms. Keep in mind this whole thing was a terrible blow to my  ego. I skated through math my entire life. I got a math award in high school. I taught my teacher in Stats class, where my grade was so high that it didn’t matter that I didn’t take the final. (the beginning of my learned indifference years and the beginning of a low point in my academic career.) So, that C I finally got made me happier than a lot of the A’s of my past.

    Taking a a course load that is deemed over full-time requires authorization from the dean. I hauled ass from building to building across campus a few times that year for authorizations of all types. Bureaucracy is good exercise. There’s a reason they make you get permission. Those extra credits create stress and do weird things to your sleep patterns (or lack thereof), social life (or lack thereof), personal fitness (or lack thereof)– I think you get the point. By the end of the semester, I had a multi-page to-do list of yellow legal pad paper. There are events and times in life that shape you, teach you, test you, and refine you. For me, that semester taught me some of the things have become critical to my life and career.

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons, writing | Tags: ,, | 1 Comment

  7. I’m Gonna Change My Clothes Tonight

    October 28, 2009 by Blondette

    Yes, I’ve been wearing the same clothes for 2 days in a row. They are officially my painting and moving clothes. And yes, they officially smell…bad. Dirt, sweat, paint, and “go get em attitude” sure can make a girl attractive! Soon, I shall shower and put on clean panties, socks, and a t-shirt. It will be beautiful.

    I’ve forgotten Monday night, but on Tuesday I know I started moving things from my apartment to my new house. This involves walking down a flight of stairs, around a building, and to a car…and repeat. It gets old. And tiring. More than once I said to myself, “why did I stop running?” and “I don’t remember it being so taxing when I moved the last time, but I was much more physically fit.” I am remembering the definition of “muscle” and “muscle memory.” And sore. Shockingly, my left shoulder is snapping up a storm now from carrying the 6+ bags of clothes dead body style. (that was a taste of sarcasm- I have a shoulder “thing” that I should have had checked out about 4 years ago when I was weight training.)

    Last night, I moved the cats over to the new house amid howls of joy. That was the sound of joy I listened to during the entire 15 minute car ride, right? Anyhow, I got them to the house, we slept on the floor for about 4 hours and then got up, showered and put on our moving clothes and started getting ready for the movers. My movers turned out to be pretty nice guys (okay, one of them was totally cute and my type, and probably a good 3 or more years younger…wait, that’s my type isn’t it? see also Chipotle cashier and Marine at OFR.) They were fast and efficient and one of them is supposed to return on Friday to buy my spare washer and dryer. (and yes, I am totally taking less money for them because he’s cute and he’s saving me from having to deal with them.)

    Anyhow, most of my stuff is now out of my apartment (ugh ugh whine ugh ugh) and I just need to vacuum and clean and I’m DONE. It feels like it will never end. Meanwhile, I’m also setting stuff up at the new house. Here are some pictures of my two day fest of smelly.

    Packing process of joy. Waiting for the movers. And more sorting and stacking.

    Packing process of joy. Waiting for the movers. And more sorting and stacking.

    You're doing something. What you doing?

    You're doing something. What you doing?

    Getting there at the new house...yes, same couch...for now. New couch and chair don't arrive until right before Christmas.

    Getting there at the new house...yes, same couch...for now. New couch and chair don't arrive until right before Christmas.

    My dining room. Look I haz a table! Can you spot the cat?

    My dining room. Look I haz a table! Can you spot the cat?

    View from the kitchen...getting there...really, I am!

    View from the kitchen...getting there...really, I am!

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: ,,, | No Comments

  8. Worth a Thousand

    October 15, 2009 by Blondette

    Me with the key to my house. They aren't lying when they say you have to sign a lot of papers. And initial. I started misspelling my last name-- all FOUR letters of it. And Catherine is a kind of a long first name. But there I am with my key! My reward for not so awesome penmanship and a few thousand dollars. (or so) My hair looks great!

    Me with the key to my house. They aren't lying when they say you have to sign a lot of papers. And initial. I started misspelling my last name-- all FOUR letters of it. And Catherine is a kind of a long first name. But there I am with my key! My reward for not so awesome penmanship and a few thousand dollars. (or so) My hair looks great!

    Okay, well now I’m off to go play at Home Depot and Hobby Lobby. tee hee.

    Category Life Lessons | Tags: ,,,, | 2 Comments

  9. House Porn ™

    April 5, 2009 by Blondette

    First, the credit for the term “house porn” needs to be given to Amanda. Now that I’ve taken care of that detail, let’s get down to business.

    I decided that I am ready to buy a house when my lease is up in October/November. I’ve been scoping realtor.com for the past few months, just searching and viewing (this is house porn) to see what the Kansas City area market is like. I know what I’m looking for in a home: 2+ bedrooms, a fireplace, non-galley style kitchen, hardwood floors, architectural details a bonus. What I’m learning through house porn is that what I want may not exist in my price range.

    The other catch is the little issue of a down payment. I haven’t exactly saved anything yet. Yesterday during knitting, we tried to figure out how I can acquire some extra cash to add to my kitty. (hehe, I said kitty and wasn’t talking about cats!) I’m debating between running a 900 number and just being a hooker. According to the ladies, I can charge more than $5 per customer. I offered up my level of education and ability to converse on many topics and was promptly mocked. “they don’t want to talk.”

    Okay, so, maybe prostitution is not the right answer for me. The real answer is plotting out income and all expenses (fixed and one time) for the next 7 months and determining how much I can put aside each month.

    So, that’s my goal. I hate carpet, I want more space, and I have mold in my living room. I’ve researched moving to a different rental but I’m thinking if I’m going to commit to the increased costs and challenge of moving, I should just go for the gold. Right?

    Category blah blah | Tags: ,, | 1 Comment