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Posts Tagged ‘potty humor’

  1. Vingettes: A Letter to Public Restroom Users

    September 28, 2010 by Blondette

    Dear Public Restroom Users,
    I previously let everyone on my blog know about the public service I provided to the women who share the four stalls in a building I frequent. Yes, I put my SHOES in mortal peril to help my fellow woman. (I had to bury my pretty red pumps after our rain of sewage summer. Tell Tupac hi!)

    But ladies, seriously. We need to have an honest chat here.

    I write to you because, well, someone has to tell you how nasty you are and someone has to teach you so you can stop being nasty.

    The entire roll of shit streaked soggy toilet paper you left last night? Yeah, someone had to clean that up. All because you do not know the art of  the mid-crap flush. If it is a marathon, you must understand how to let the plumbing pace itself. It will explode if you shove the whole roll of paper, along with your dung, down the hole at one time.  This is why you flush several times throughout the process. You won’t be able to see your work under the mountain of Charmin (okay, not Charmin but it’s 2-ply!) so don’t worry, just flushy. This is also not the time to think about water conservation.

    I’m not judging your diet – because these calls of nature happen to everyone. I am judging your lack of consideration. I have  nothing but respect for people in housekeeping and custodial jobs. (and parents) These people see human nature – and its leavings.

    Show your fellow restroom users, and the people who keep it clean and user friendly some respect. Check your surroundings before you leave the stall. Did you sprinkle when you tickled? Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie! Did you dribble when you doodled? Dash out and get a swig of soap on a wet paper towel and de-doody the area. Did you get some other bodily fluid somewhere in the stall? (the wall, the floor, the pedestal?) By golly clean up after yourself! Would you dirty your own bathroom the same way?

    The reason people dislike public restrooms is precisely because people make them nasty, unfriendly places.

    And I dedicate this letter to Jen Lancaster – who fearlessly calls neighbors and sorority sisters on their shit.

    Respectfully Yours,

    Katie Leas

    Category blah blah, Letters to Jen Lancaster | Tags: ,, | 2 Comments

  2. How To: Win the Love of Katie Leas

    January 3, 2010 by Blondette

    My qualifications are pretty simple so you’d think I’d be attached, but apparently they’re not as simple as I think.

    So here are the things that will win my heart and undying love:

    1. You can fill in my trivia knowledge gaps. (sports, movies, and some music)
    2. You have mad winter weather driving skills and can chauffeur my ass around town when it snows or other such winter storms invade.

    Hmm, that’s about it right now.

    Screw being funny. Screw having a job. Screw being fiscally responsible. Screw being interesting. Screw being attractive. (beauty is in the eye of the beholder)

    Apply within.

    Bonus points if you are willing to do the following household chores:

    1. Put laundry away. I’ll sort it and wash it. You just have to hang it up or put it in the dresser.
    2. Clean the litter box. Come on. No one likes cleaning a box full of shit and piss.
    3. Vacuum. The sound still bugs me.
    4. Handle routine car maintenance.

    In exchange, you get all of the following:

    1. I’ll cook.
    2. I’ll grocery shop.
    3. I’ll do the dishes. (I HATE hand washing dishes, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. Because I love you.)
    4. I’ll take out the trash.
    5. I’ll do the laundry. (remember, you just have to put it away.)
    6. I’ll sweep and mop.
    7. I’LL CLEAN THE BATHROOMS.
    8. I’ll clean the kitchen.
    9. I’ll look pretty.
    10. I’ll…wait, my family reads this. Use your imagination for #10.

    Remember, I’m hilarious, sweet, and pretty smart. And I make my own money.

    CAUTION! If you do NOT want me to fall in love with you, please do none of the above. Do not demonstrate superior trivia or winter weather driving skills. Do not demonstrate an ability to keep house. Do not in any way prove to be useful, lovable, or interesting.

    Think this would make a good ad?

    Category Favorite Posts, humor | Tags: ,, | 2 Comments

  3. I Walked in On Someone in the Toilet

    March 6, 2009 by Blondette

    at Best Buy.

    Here is my lesson learned and my plea to all–design your public restrooms with stalls that allow people to see clearly (but not clearly) if a stall is occupied.

    Also, stall doors should lock. And you shouldn’t sit down to potty in a stall before checking to ensure that your stall does indeed lock– if there are 4 other stalls and you choose to poop in the one with the gimpy lock, well then, I feel less bad for opening the door on you.

    Thank goodness all I saw was your hand.

    Design smart people.

    Category blah blah, humor | Tags: ,, | 2 Comments