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Posts Tagged ‘Personal’

  1. A Song About Blue Skies

    January 21, 2012 by Blondette

    Today I attended a high school show choir competition. My cousin, Lizzy, was competing with her team/squad/group (crap, what are they called? A gaggle? A herd?)

    This is also how I came to cry at an inappropriate place and time. Yes, I started crying right there in the front row…during show choir. No amount of glitter and glitz could keep my eyes from leaking. Nuh, uh.

    In my defense, the song was about a new day and a new start. Something about blue skies. IT WAS RELEVANT TO MY LIFE. (Damn teenagers!)  I’d left my job of 6 years, I’d started working with a personal trainer, my mom died, and I got a new job. All in less than 60 days. But I guess it’s not the first time teenagers have made adults cry and it certainly won’t be the last.

    I’ve worried that people don’t think I’m emotional enough and perhaps I’m not grieving hard enough. I assure you, as soon as this becomes real to me, it will be hard. I was less than composed when Bob called me. First, there was the disbelief. Surely, this was a joke. I waited for it to be a joke. It was not. My body was first to accept that there was no impending punchline. It quickly said “Legs say crumble on kitchen floor…rest of body say shake like shake weight, eyes say leak a lot, heart say pound, lungs say “can we get some air in here?” vocal chords slow can only say one word now…no.” Eventually, my brain kicked in and I was able to compose myself. You’ve seen some of the first thoughts I had that night and those that followed that week.

    But after those first 24 hours I’ve felt some sort of bubble. I don’t feel like my mom is gone. I sort of see her in front of me to my left. And I feel her. She is the bubble. She’s not gone. On my way to the competition today I asked her not to leave me yet. For a moment, it felt as if she had.  But I can still hear her voice in my head “Hi Hunny…I love you! I’m proud of you every day of my life.” I can still see her slightly crooked smile. And her hands…I can see her hands. And her poor, sparce eyebrows that she over-plucked when she was younger and which never grew back.

    It’s quite hard to be sad when you feel so much love. Unless a group of glittery teenagers sings to you. Then you better watch your back.

     

    Category heart of the matter, humor | Tags: , | 1 Comment

  2. Eileen’s Song

    January 18, 2012 by Blondette

    Below is the eulogy I delivered at my mom’s funeral today, January 18th, 2012. This is not the full text of exactly what I said because I added a few things while I was talking, but this is most of it. 

    My mom almost named me Sara. Sara Leas. It would have been a lot of pressure to be a much better baker. Instead, she named me after her grandmother, Catherine and called me Katie.

    I was her second child. My brother, Brian, was born 2 years earlier, with dark hair, and without webbed feet. I used to think my brother was my mom’s favorite, but I eventually realized that it wasn’t about favorites. He was her first baby – he made her a mother. And being a mother was something she cherished deeply.

    Growing up, she read to us. She hugged us. She let us drink pop, but not eat sugary cereal.

    How do you pay tribute in 2-4 minutes to the person who nourished, nursed, and nurtured you?

    On Friday night, when the news was fresh, I immediately thought of the things we would never do together, things mothers cherish about having a daughter: we would never pick out my wedding gown, she would never see a grand child, she would never feel the kick of my baby inside of me. I would never be able to ask “did you feel this/think this/feel this when you were pregnant with me?”

    And then I tried to remember everything about her. Every little morsel that was her.

    She loved music. She was disappointed that she never got to meet John Denver.

    My mom was smart. She believed in education and she was a good teacher.

    She was witty. God knows my affinity for puns came from somewhere and it was not from my dad.

    She was a little naughty and sassy. You can see it even some of her childhood photos.

    She was faithful. She believed in God.

    She adored Bob.

    She often ate a bag of popcorn or a giant plate of broccoli for dinner – with Butter Flavored Pam and salt when she was a staff nurse working 12 hour shifts (which were more like 13 for her because she was so conscientious)

    In some of my last conversations with my mom she spoke of her hopes for her children (she did this often). She was excited that I’d been thinking about moving back to the heart of the city because it meant we’d be closer, and she spoke about her love for her husband, Bob, and his love for her.

    I know her body – the body that hugged me when I was sad or scared, the body that worked long hours to keep a roof over our heads, the body that swelled and broke with life to bring my brother and me into this world, the body that housed a most tender and loving spirit and heart – her body, my mom’s body, has stopped.

    But, she will never leave me.

    She is every breath I’ve ever taken. Every tear I’ve ever cried (even those, okay especially those – cried at sappy Hallmark commercials.) She is every off-key note I’ve ever sung (and there are lots) and every kindness and love I’ve ever shown.

    Last year, I was struggling at work and I knew I needed a change. Though I was terrified I knew I could make it through because my mom loved me.

    Even though she did not work outside the home in her last years she still had an occupation. She had 3 in fact. Her first was that of Eileen, lover of knowledge and the written word. Her second was wife and love to Bob. And her third was mother.

    Her love will never leave.

    Category heart of the matter, Life Lessons, writing | Tags: ,, | 7 Comments

  3. The More They Stay the Same

    June 17, 2010 by Blondette

    I ended up starting a new blog for all of my “I’m soo fat! *waaaah waaaah waaahh*” posts. On it, I actually will talk about my continued quest to eat healthy and figure out how to incorporate exercise back into my life. Here’s the URL: http://fatladykatie.wordpress.com/

    It’s the busy season at work (yes, I know it’s always busy, but this is the busiest!) so I’m doing a lot more traveling and pulling longer (yes, it’s possible) hours than usual. I struggled earlier this year with balance and motivation. As I approach my 30th birthday I spend more time evaluating my goals and the current state of my life. I’ve devoted my twenties to my career, but I also know that as a woman, the longer I wait to fulfill my other goals/dreams of having a family, the harder it will be to fulfill them. It’s scary. It’s scary to think that I may never have those other things and that I will have to seek purpose and joy from my career alone. I’m pretty sure the consistent weight gain of the past 7 months is directly correlated to my stress over my life evaluation. I stop and wonder “who’s going to want me?” It depresses me so I put it out of my mind and focus on something else – thus avoiding the problem all together.

    So, what do you do readers? How do you face the music?

    Also, I’m blonde again.

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: ,,,,, | No Comments

  4. A Good Look Behind

    January 1, 2010 by Blondette

    Here I am 2010. Yes, I’m sitting here in my red chair near my fire thinking “what do I look at now?” I’m watching Season 3 of the West Wing and feeling pride in the things I accomplished today – January 1, 2010. A new decade emerges and I sit only one year away from the age of 30. I expect a lot of myself in 2010 and I hope I don’t let myself down.

    I entered 2009 on painkillers, dozing on my couch all alone (except for the cats.) I entered 2010 dozing on my couch, all alone….except for the cats. Hmm. I won’t predict what is to come in 2010. I’ve never been good at that. I only hope that the things I learned in the previous years lead me to happiness, wisdom, and prosperity.

    Already in 2010 I’m much more confident in where I stand in life. I entered 2009 off a rocky (on the rocks too many times) 2008. I’m still reconciling the changes (not the no drinking thing I did – that was really good for me. It was good to stop and make sure I wasn’t masking emotions (and I was).) and trying to understand how I “fit” with people. I’ve never been good at reaching out to people even if I want to. I suppose some of that is most related to my introversion.

    So, honestly, I wasn’t very happy when 2009 started. My personal relationships were all strained or broken, my jaw hurt like a bitch (both before and after my wisdom teeth were removed), and I was hoping to find my place in work and life. As the months progressed, I worked through emotions, situations, and spent a lot of time recharging. I’m not where I want to be in every facet of life, but I’m closer. I wish I could turn some things back, I wish I could turn some things forward. For now, I just have to focus on each day. Focus on each piece. And then hope the pieces fit together somehow.

    Here’s a few highlights from 2009:

    • I started tweeting more. Follow me here: Katie Leas  is trmndsblndtte on Twitter
    • I traveled more. I will be traveling just as much if not more in 2010. My ass is gonna be a Vegas pro – without the gambling because I don’t gamble.
    • My 10 year high school reunion was held in August. I did not attend. Sorry Trojans.
    • I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed. HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. I did knit a hat and a couple scarves though. They look like someone on lots of painkillers made them.
    • I bought a house.
    • I bought things for a house.
    • The letter of the year was F. FML, OMFG. etc. Note, I do not use either expression. In fact, I’m against FML and tend to want to hit just about everyone who uses it. (only one exception)
    • I bought a new car. (traded my 05 Scion tC for an 09 Nissan Altima – shocking, I know. I wish I could have kept tC. I miss her.)
    • I saw my dad for the first time in 12 years. (made my brother’s wedding a bit emotional)
    • I spent a holiday with my dad for the first time in 20 years.
    • I met (again) my step-sister and her family. I found out they’re really pretty wonderful and I feel lucky that my dad had them. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there for 22 years of his life. Sad that we all missed out on knowing each other and being part of each other’s lives. But here we are now, moving forward and learning. It’s harder for me than I realized.
    • My brother got married in July ( I was in the wedding. All pictures of me = horrible.) (I drove to Springfield a lot. I found out I can make it there in 2.5 hours.)
    • My best friend got married in November ( I was in the wedding. Pictures of me are better.) She seems very happy which makes me happy.
    • I got a new cell phone. I got an iPhone. My BlackBerry wasn’t keeping up with my mobile needs.

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  5. When I Was a Dave Matthews Band Fangirl

    October 3, 2009 by Blondette

    I was just watching DMB (Dave Matthews Band) on Austin City Limits and it’s the first time since the death of LeRoi Moore than I’ve watched the band. I was DEVOTED to this band through college. I drove to Chicago, Nashville, St. Louis to see them. (doesn’t sound so impressive when I see it typed out- but keep in mind I drove those distances alone in my little Saturn…yeah, still not that impressive.) I thought about trips to further destinations but time and money were factors.

    I connected with the music. The lyrics, the rhythm, the melody the emotion.

    My first real exposure was when my flute teacher gave me a cassette tape of Crash so I could listen to the sax. (“LeRoi Moore on the saxophone!”) It was cool, but I wasn’t hooked at that point. Sometime in college I started to listen to them more and then I had a neighbor who was a bit of a fanboy and my crush on him didn’t hurt my growing like for the band. He showed me new ways to get the music, a community of people who followed the band, and then it was pretty much settled: I was a Dave Matthews Band fangirl.

    I waded into the forums and eventually became a well-known top poster. I met people from the boards at the shows. I got very close with several people throughout the time. In fact today, I am still in contact with some of the people I met through the boards. I know of several marriages and relationships that were formed through the boards and meet-ups that occurred. People  found their best friends and soulmates because of the Internet and The Dave Matthews Band.

    I devoured anything Dave Matthews or Dave Matthews Band. I had stickers on my car. I had all of the music, including the things you could only get online or from other sources. Rare tune or show, got it. One of the great things about DMB was their openness to sharing live recordings of their music. It’s how they spread. In the community, you were elite if you were pals with or were a taper.

    There were levels of fans; real fans with live shows quoting date and location and then there were the Crash girls- the stereotype frat boys and sorority girls. There is a stereotype associated with DMB fans: pot smoking, drunks. While it’s true that there are some people who fit this mold (yes, I meant to leave out the “u”), a lot of the fans are just your everyday (hahaha) folks going to school and work.

    But I tell you, I knew people of all ages, backgrounds, and income level and they were all in it for the same reason I was: they connected with the music. Some people outgrew the music and the band. That’s okay. What they didn’t out grow was the other fans.

    Somewhere along the road of the past 3 years I’ve lost a few things; my workout routine and DMB included. I still get that jolt when I hear DMB on the radio, my iPod, or in a store but they don’t dominate my music listening habits.

    I’ve never felt the need to meet the band, in fact, it kind of scared me. If I ever did I’d likely say thanks for making music because it brought me a connection to people I wouldn’t have known. It made me part of a community. It gave my emotions melody.

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: ,, | 2 Comments

  6. This is an Unedited Post

    September 20, 2009 by Blondette

    Earlier this year I wrote that I was going to post as I was thought about it. This hasn’t happened. I have several drafts for things I’ve wanted to share, but haven’t. I haven’t felt like I had the right words. I’ve questioned how people will react. I’ve wondered about making people uncomfortable.

    Recently, I read a post by on Copyblogger.com called “How to Stop Making Yourself Crazy with Self-Editing” by Sean D’Souza. The main idea I took away was that we need to stop editing so much and just write. Isn’t that how they say we get better? Isn’t that one of the main themes in any creative writing class? Write.

    You work on exercises to stretch your brain. You open up your imagination, heart, and you have no time to edit.

    They call this stream of consciousness. I’ve been watching the Emmy’s and tweeting my opinions. I’m a little upset that Neil Patrick Harris lost to Jon Cryer and that Jim Parsons lost to Alec Baldwin. In fact, Jim Parsons became (and still is) a trending topic on Twitter but most of the comments are junk. NPH is hosting with some crap material but he’s still good. Jimmy Fallon is hilarious.

    9pm and it feels like 10pm Sunday night.

    Let me go back to the beginning of today. I awoke and shortly after a heard my phone ding- yes, I keep it by my bed (it’s my alarm! and what if I wake up and can’t sleep and feel like getting on Facebook or Twitter? or texting? or checking my email? and well, it’s my clock so I know how much sleep I’m not getting) Boys don’t like this about me. (it was before 7am so I figured it was Tammi because no one else is awake and texting me that early- usually.) It turns out the text was from my dad. Suffice it to say (trite!) I was surprised, but in a nice way. The highlights of our text conversation where his joke when I told him I had exciting news (me: I’m buying a house. Him: that’s better than being pregnant – indeed Dad, indeed!) and when I told him I’d just email him since his phone was dying and he LOLed at me.

    Lately I’ve been telling people and myself to “step back.” Pull yourself out of the moment and really look at the whole situation. Imagine, my dad texting me and us having a fun conversation. My mom has been trying to text lately as have Tammi’s parents. Anyhow, I followed up with a cup of coffee and getting to the coffee shop on time and securing our table! Coffee was exceptionally fun today with upbeat banter and adult humor and friends.

    You know what, if this is growing up, then I say, thank God.

    Category blah blah, Favorite Memories, humor, Life Lessons | Tags: ,,, | No Comments

  7. The Truths We Face

    May 26, 2009 by Blondette

    Last night I stayed up far too late in order to finish a book. It wasn’t because I liked the book; in fact, I felt it was twice as long as it needed to be. No, I wanted resolution. An ending.

    Don’t we all want resolution? It keeps me up at night. (well duh)

    I found pieces of myself in the flawed characters of the book. The girl who was raped and couldn’t bare to be touched; or if she was, completely disconnected from her body (no, I was never raped); the alcoholic mom (I’m not a mom) who struggled to face her truth. I’m struggling with the possibility of this truth. The kids stuck in the middle. The friend who’s been through it all and just wants to help. I spent the book just wanting to yell at the characters to figure it the hell out. Say it out loud. Face it. Own it. Strangely, I’m quite good at owning and facing my flaws. I was each one of those characters. It could be why I didn’t like the book but will remember it.

    I believe in some ways I’ve been grieving. Sounds odd, but it’s true. I’ve also used things to mask reality and cope with the truths I did not want to face about myself, my life, and everything that I cannot control. I stripped myself of some of these masks.

    I think people who move a lot as children share a common trait. We all have an itch and an intense need to ponder “where next?” This restlessness keeps us on edge; always waiting for the end; always waiting for the next time we have to adapt. We wait for people to stop caring and have an ability to close part of ourselves off and walk away. It’s not because we don’t truly care; it’s because we have to protect ourselves somehow.

    We are who we are. We live our choices. We must accept our truths but must not limit ourselves by them.

    Category blah blah, Life Lessons | Tags: ,, | 1 Comment

  8. 3 Months and 1 Week Ago

    April 5, 2009 by Blondette

    …I gave up booze and every day I am living a dual reality. I get up, go to work, come home. (Sometimes I go to the grocery store or Target on the way.) In one world, I’m bright, capable and in control. In the other world, I’m lonely and relearning how to live. My weaknesses and mistakes have lead me somewhere that I’m afraid to leave and in which I’m afraid to be trapped.

    I’m still trying to figure out how to be this person and this is likely to be a topic for while yet (that’s my way of saying,
    “get used to it–I figure things out through writing and guess where I write?”) There are some things that I can’t help thinking had to happen (bad things-things that make me hurt everyday-yay pain! oh wait, no, pain sucks), but I also have this Buffy-like hope that doing the right thing and making amends with the world will somehow set everything right again. And yes, I’m referring to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I’ve been watching nearly every day on Hulu. I’m hoping her ass-kicking will help motivate me to get off of my ass. Wouldn’t it be great if I channeled all of my road rage and angsty “I’m so lonely, what have I done?” life-transition energy into something like working out? What a great idea!

    Category blah blah | Tags: ,,,, | No Comments

  9. But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

    March 6, 2009 by Blondette

    While holding a paperback at Target, skimming the first chapter of what is best termed “chick-lit” (not to be mistaken for Chicklets the delightful square sugary shove as many in your mouth as possible and chew for approximately 5 minutes before the flavor is gone gum) I for a few moments, disconnected from myself. But where have I been?

    I keep trying to find pretty words and explain everything, but why? Do you really need to read though my convuluted, unhealthy thought process? The simple truth of the matter is I had a couple of bad experiences in December that caused me to hate myself and lose some friends and I’ve been dealing with those feelings all year. On top of work, wisdom teeth, Weight Watchers, and getting sick repeatedly, I’ve been trying to get to my Denouement.

    I’m conflicted with wanting my friends back (if they will have me, which is a BIG if) and wondering if it will lead me right back to where I was last year and derail my current life corrections quest.

    I would say that I’m living in a bit of fear of making mistakes and taking other people with me. In essence, I’m afraid of myself and hurting people again.

    I didn’t write about 2008 during its waning moments; in fact, I will call 2008 a year of lessons that I did not want to learn. It was a year where I found out more about myself than I’m comfortable knowing; a mirror too true to deny any longer. The seven deadly sins, the ten commandments, the golden rule- all tested in 2008.

    I’ve tried to reconcile what I think I know about myself and what I have seen of myself. The end of 2008 was what I would call my moment of “rock bottom.” Haven’t I done this before? Is this going to keep happening?

    At 28, I cannot relate to my peers. Normalcy so long sought, still unattained. When I lose the ability to relate, I become a fuzzy whisper of myself. I lose my sense of belonging and status.

    Instead, I connect most fully with that which is not real; books, television, movies, everything a mirage. A wooden puppet wants most what it cannot have, humanity.

    I learned that I do not face up to my own anger. I never have. I let it burn.

    Lately, my dreams give me a hope and sadness that I cannot shake until long after my morning coffee. To see me at work during the day, humming and keying formulas into spreadsheets you’d think I was someone else.

    To gently ruin one’s own life is actually quite easy. It is as easy as a bottle of vodka. I am one of those people who has trouble with moderation. I become someone I hate, untrue to my core and wicked in my turn. I abuse in an effort to hide, calm, and exhilarate.

    We can not take back that which we have done.

    There are things we’d never think ourselves capable of, but we are all flawed. We are all human. We are not as good as we think.

    For most of 2008, I knew I was not living as I wanted to live- there are plenty of posts on this lovely blog detailing the goals and dreams I have. What you don’t see are the posts that never made it past draft status that were written following any of the stumbles I’d taken.

    Shame is an interesting ally. Now in 2009, I’ve undertaken healthier initiatives as I work my way back to not just good physical health, but good mental health. I’m working on feeling worthwhile and forgiving myself–it’s not working so great right now.

    The title of this post is a song by U2. I can’t help but remember a chain of emails between friends where several people talked about how much they hated the band U2 and then there was much quoting of lyrics (not just U2). Why do I remember it, and why can’t I go back? Would I go back?

    I look at how I’ve matured in certain areas of my life: fiscal responsibility, work responsibility, but yet, I went backward in other areas of life. I regressed socially and interpersonally.

    I don’t think I even know the answers to my questions. I keep writing and trying to figure out what I think and feel about everything and how to write it in a way that does not garner feelings of hostility in my readers. Instead, I hope they will read and understand where I’ve been, where I’m going, and why things have changed.


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