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  1. Dear Jen Lancaster – A Bigger, Better Letter #3

    October 4, 2010 by Blondette

    Dearest Jen,

    It’s been less than a month since I last wrote you. Okay, it’s been 3 days.

    In your book, Such a Pretty Fat (by the way? I LOVE that title – well done), you encountered several physical obstacles in your quest to lose 50 pounds. As I started my most recent journey (why do we always talk about weight loss and life changes as journeys? Is it because we don’t stop believin?) to lose weight and get healthy, I thought about your book. I re-read the book.

    First, I let work get in the way. Then, I broke my toe and was told I could do nothing other than swim. Unlike you, I really suck at swimming. And I have blonde highlights and have a fear of my hair turning green. Then, I got sick. Choking on your own phlegm is really unappealing. Then, I had no excuses left so I decided to procrastinate by writing another letter to you.

    Your experience with Barbie made me think very seriously about working with a personal trainer. On this very blog I wrote about my fear.

    I find workouts exotic and tempting and powerful. 99% of the times I go to the gym, I bust it. 0.5% I KILL IT. 0.5% I phone it in.

    So, maybe because of you, I’ll face my fear and find some success and fulfillment working with a trainer.

    You bring people laughter and hope – 2 of the greatest things in life. Now bring yourself to Kansas City and let us buy you the 3rd greatest thing in life – a cocktail!

    Sincerely,

    Katie Leas

    P.S. To the members of the epic rock band, Journey:  Please don’t sue me. See my Second Letter to Jen Lancaster for reasons why suing me is a sad idea. So now I come to you/with open arms/Nothing to hide/Believe what I say/So here I am/With open arms/Hoping you’ll see/What your love means to me/Open arms.

    Category Letters to Jen Lancaster | Tags: , | No Comments

  2. We Will be Dog Sitting

    October 3, 2010 by Blondette

    We know I’m a cat lady. I am woman enough to admit it. The evidence is incontrovertible.

    Oliver and Tebe

    This is only one example.

    The two boys above have never met a dog. I spent half the day walking around asking them if they were excited about meeting a “goggy.” (shut up. I LOL.)

    I’m very excited to see how my boys do with a dog in the house. Next weekend we will be hosting Tammi and Steve’s latest stray, Bullett. (not sure about the 2 t’s.)

    Bullett the Pup

    This is Bullett...I suspect this is a similar view to how the cats will see him at times...if they aren't swatting. Remember, my cats are NOT de-clawed. (click on the picture for more pictures)

    You might be wondering about my oldest cat, Gracie. Well, I know for sure that she’s met one dog – my brother and sister-in-law’s dog Amber. Gracie did manage to exist in the same room as Amber, so I have hope that she won’t pull a Gracie and bolt for the bedroom. She probably will at first, but might come scope him out.

    Common View of Gracie

    This is what most people/animals see when they "meet" Gracie. Yep, you usually just see her running away. My cat has a fluffy tail! teehee!

    Oh well. She sure is cute.

    Gracie Facie

    This is Gracie Facie. (aka Gracie Baby Smith)

    Category humor | Tags: , , , | No Comments

  3. Dear Jen Lancaster – Another Letter, this time with more accessories #2

    September 30, 2010 by Blondette

    Dear Jen Lancaster!

    This is officially my second letter to you, though I dedicated a very important discourse to you earlier this week. I sincerely hope you approve and were not entirely grossed out or offended. (I know you are very “polite” about the human body and its functions – unless it involves getting “strongs” or making like a fish.)

    In your book, Bitter is New Black, you taught everyone a very important lesson about proper purse etiquette. I’ve always been a fan of purses. In high school, I had a burgundy purse that closely resembled a camera bag. Then there was the brown suede just a tiny bit bigger than a clutch purse – with fringe. It was fun to pet. Several years ago, I learned the importance of “rotating” purses. Every time my best friend Tammi gets a new purse, she “moves in,” immediately transferring the contents of the newly-old purse to the new purse and relegating the newly-old purse to the backseat of the car.

    I feel that the people we choose to love and envelop in every aspect of our lives – soul mates, best friends, children -  the people who “like us just as we are” – also make us want to be better people (maybe because they don’t expect it.) I’ve been known to like people who don’t cut me slack. (Okay, they cut me slack sometimes, but for the most part, they push me to excel whether it be in housekeeping, acts of kindness, or handbag etiquette.) And that last point, that is what brings me to the point of my second letter to you. I figured if my BFF and I are going to convince you to come to Kansas City for your next book reading/tour, then you need to know a little bit about us and our purse habits – and you need to like us, just as we are.

    *Okay, I’m going to admit that my attention span wandered right about here (well, actually I started another letter and wrote some terrible poetry on my FatLadyKatie blog) and I Googled for a bit, then I landed on http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/. Oh my. The images.*

    Anyhow, from Tammi and April (Tammi’s older sister and my pseudo-sister, also a connoisseur of purses and knitting bags) I learned about proper compartmentalization. I also learned the rule of rotating. You must rotate your purse every month (or 3 months.) This keeps the purse fresh and seasonal. I find that much like moving my furniture, it clears my chi and I suddenly feel more energetic.

    Without Tammi and April, I would still be carrying around a free Victoria’s Secret purse full of Diet Dr. Peppers and pizza (THAT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE!) People can still play “What’s in Katie’s Purse” but the results are less interesting (and less perishable) these days. Just know that my brother is an Eagle scout and I lived around the “be prepared” motto for 18 years. This will work well if I ever find someone to knock  me up and make it legal.

    Gosh, I have carried on as though we are old buddies! If blog stalking letter writing  is like dating I can’t expect to get anywhere until after the third letter and I should probably be walking you to your door.

    Now, I really must thank you for the lovely evening. I’ll call you tomorrow.**

    Goodnight and may the Ambien be with you!

    Katie Leas

    P.S.  Please do not sue me. I have 3 cats who scratch me when they are hungry. They’re generally very nice to me, but I’m pretty sure they’d eat me if they had to.

    ** I will not really call you because that’s creepy.

    Category Letters to Jen Lancaster | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

  4. Gone Samplin

    September 29, 2010 by Blondette

    “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses!”

    The first line of a short story my mom wrote popped into my head this afternoon as I was pondering my new “annoyance” prescription. I am very slightly, like almost non-existently, near sighted. In fact, I was told my main issue is due to muscle fatigue and re-activeness. And you know what causes it? The 8, 10, 12, 14 hours a day I look at a computer screen and/or read a book. My love of nerdery and words is making me blind. I guess I may as well hit up every Passion Party in town!*

    *non-Catholics may not get this joke. It’s okay. We’ll be over here judging you and feeling guilty.

    Category blah blah, humor | Tags: , , | No Comments

  5. Vingettes: A Letter to Public Restroom Users

    September 28, 2010 by Blondette

    Dear Public Restroom Users,
    I previously let everyone on my blog know about the public service I provided to the women who share the four stalls in a building I frequent. Yes, I put my SHOES in mortal peril to help my fellow woman. (I had to bury my pretty red pumps after our rain of sewage summer. Tell Tupac hi!)

    But ladies, seriously. We need to have an honest chat here.

    I write to you because, well, someone has to tell you how nasty you are and someone has to teach you so you can stop being nasty.

    The entire roll of shit streaked soggy toilet paper you left last night? Yeah, someone had to clean that up. All because you do not know the art of  the mid-crap flush. If it is a marathon, you must understand how to let the plumbing pace itself. It will explode if you shove the whole roll of paper, along with your dung, down the hole at one time.  This is why you flush several times throughout the process. You won’t be able to see your work under the mountain of Charmin (okay, not Charmin but it’s 2-ply!) so don’t worry, just flushy. This is also not the time to think about water conservation.

    I’m not judging your diet – because these calls of nature happen to everyone. I am judging your lack of consideration. I have  nothing but respect for people in housekeeping and custodial jobs. (and parents) These people see human nature – and its leavings.

    Show your fellow restroom users, and the people who keep it clean and user friendly some respect. Check your surroundings before you leave the stall. Did you sprinkle when you tickled? Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie! Did you dribble when you doodled? Dash out and get a swig of soap on a wet paper towel and de-doody the area. Did you get some other bodily fluid somewhere in the stall? (the wall, the floor, the pedestal?) By golly clean up after yourself! Would you dirty your own bathroom the same way?

    The reason people dislike public restrooms is precisely because people make them nasty, unfriendly places.

    And I dedicate this letter to Jen Lancaster – who fearlessly calls neighbors and sorority sisters on their shit.

    Respectfully Yours,

    Katie Leas

    Category blah blah, Letters to Jen Lancaster | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

  6. Dear Jen Lancaster – A Letter

    September 21, 2010 by Blondette

    Dear Jen Lancaster,

    This is my very sad attempt to get you to come to Kansas City, Missouri on your next book tour. Or the Kansas side, but I recommend the Missouri side because I won’t have to drive as far. But our friends at Rainy Day Books host a lot of author events and I will drive for you. (but not to St. Louis because I-70 kind of sucks.)

    1. We’re better than St. Louis (which you’ve visited)
    2. We have lots of smoked, BBQ meats. (Some of them in gas stations. gas station meat – isn’t that alluring?)
    3. We have me and my BFF, Tammi and we did not win the Stennifer BFF contest. *frown*
    4. I might have to pull a John C. Mayer on you until you get me banned in Google. (Ask William A. Shatner how it feels.)
    5. We have a lot of delicious cupcakes.

    I’d like to see you in person so I know that you really do exist. Just like Santa Claus and Giant Talking M&Ms. And I want proof because I want empirical evidence that there is a chance in Hell that a Midwestern girl can write her way to never having to apologize for cat puke, bad jokes, whining, and a preoccupation with her hair- that in fact, instead of apologizing, she will entertain (and not weird out) anyone who happens to read her blog.

    So, I’m taking a page out of your book (ha! should I say pages?) and writing you a letter. (and I’ll keep writing)

    Sincerely,

    Katie Leas, not a creepy fan

    Category Letters to Jen Lancaster | Tags: , | 2 Comments

  7. I FUCKING DID IT! William A. Shatner

    September 20, 2010 by Blondette

    I John C. Mayered William A. Shatner. It was a warm September day. And I yelled like a banshee.

    FUCK YEAH!  Win.

    (and sorry for the profanity, Oma)

    William A. Shatner Being John C Mayered

    This is so full of win. I feel like I achieved greatness.

    Category blah blah, humor | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

  8. William A. Shatner aka James T. Kirk Please Meet John C. Mayer

    September 19, 2010 by Blondette

    ***UPDATE***Don’t worry, we’re still John C. Mayering the man, William A. Shatner.

    So, as I was ever so casually obsessively Googling, William A. Shatner, I happened upon Wil Wheaton’s blog posts about WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER. (Oh William A. Shatner. Double profanity in your name. I couldn’t ask for more.) I felt the need to link to Wil Wheaton’s posts because I was so sad for him. (and I totally crushed on him when he did The Big Bang Theory and kicked Sheldon’s ass in his TNG days.)

    Wil Wheaton, I dedicate this John C. Mayering of William A. Shatner to you. (Wil, Please guest on The Big Bang Theory again.)

    ——

    Is it true? Surely someone has tried to John C. Mayer Captain James T. Kirk, aka William A. Shatner! Right? Shameful. For those who are lost as to what it is to John C. Mayer, you must see hit Urban Dictionary and MommyWantsVodka and then hop on back over here like you’re James T. Kirk, aka William A. Shatner hopping star galaxies in your spliff spaceship.

    Why pick James T. Kirk, aka William A. Shatner to John C. Mayer? Well, let’s see:

    1. James T. Kirk, aka William A. Shatner has survived for decades to entertain. It is right to pay him tribute.
    2. James T. Kirk, aka William A. Shatner has the past tense of one of the most prolific cuss words as the root of his last name. (“shat” = past tense of “shit”)
    3. William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk, put out a CD. In fact, my friend almost crashed her car listening to it. Because William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk, is not a musical genius, but sure is funny.
    4. William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk, was Denny on “Boston Legal,” not to be confused with the HOT Denny on Grey’s Anatomy. (rest in peace!) (By-the-way, William A. Shatner? aka James T. Kirk…Denny himself, Jeffery Dean Morgan was John C. Mayered too, so you’re in good company.) Also, I use the same WordPress theme as the blogger who John C. Mayered JDM for my alterego, (SEE WE ALL HAVE THEM – altergeos…like William A. Shatner has James T. Kirk!) Also, since I’ve digressed, I’m not a Hilary Swank fan but P.S. I love you, featuring Jeffrey Dean Morgan hurt so good to watch. Because it was just full of manly, rugged hot men and it made me cry. Just like William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk.
    5. Dude. In the Year 3000. William A. Shatner (aka James T. Kirk) well played.
    6. I’m trying to take a page from James T. Kirk, aka William A. Shatner and not think too hard. Just do! (like all the chicks he banged over the span of the show.)
    7. William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk, is starring in the TV version of Shit My Dad says. And I love shit that dude’s dad says. And Twitter.
    8. James T. Kirk, aka William A. Shatner, played with tribbles (The Trouble with Tribbles) and they look fun.
    9. Picture it:  William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk and John C. Mayer – The Album! O YES!

      John C Mayer O Face

      See, John C Mayer got an O just thinking about singing with William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk

    Before you sue me, William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk, please note I mean you no harm. I simply seek to marry two things I love:  SEO and a little blogging fun. William A.  Shatner, aka James T. Kirk, YOU are a national treasure. Even though you are Canadian. I forgive you and I like maple leaves.

    On a prankster note, I’d love to see someone John C. Mayer Facebook. Yes, I said it. Can you bring down Facebook in Google? Do it. I so dare you. Cuz I’m not gonna try, because I’ve got William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk to work on.

    And me, Katie Leas. Because I’m narcissistic and elitist like William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk – in a nice way.

    William A. Shatner, aka James T. Kirk is AWESOME

    Damn right, yo. (I pulled the image from a Google image search and found it on this blog: http://studiodave.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_archive.html

    Category blah blah, humor | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

  9. Vacation Day Two

    September 8, 2010 by Blondette

    Today I awoke with one goal:  plan meals.

    I use a few sites* to find ideas and inspiration to not just eat the same old things. Sometimes you need help sparking your brain and steering away from the easy food ruts (i.e. Chipotle and Subway.)

    I’m also trying to get away from the frozen meals for lunch. You know, in a convenient box, plastic, ice crystals, NOT FILLING. Yep. A little time in the kitchen and I can get rid of those things in favor of more balanced, tastier, more filling meals.

    Anyway, I’m going to share a secret with you:  I can cook. When I was a little girl I used to make concoctions in the kitchen. I helped my mom from an early age. When we were still getting our footing in KC after leaving Oregon, I used to whip up delicacies like souffle. Really, it was whipping eggs and tossing in some cheese and meat because eggs were cheap and we didn’t have much money, but I felt useful.

    So, here’s my first little “cookbook” on Spark People!

    Dinner at Its Best – A collection of happy, healthy, and hearty dinnertastic recipes!

    *sites: Hungry Girl, Weight Watchers, Spark People

    Category heart of the matter | Tags: , , | No Comments

  10. Vacation Week

    September 7, 2010 by Blondette

    I haven’t taken a full week off work since about 2006 or 2007. The most I’ve taken has been 3 days consecutively and was at the end of October 2009 when I moved into my house. It was days spent packing, trudging back and forth, up and down the stairs to the dumpster and my car – in the rain.

    Anyhow, I took a few days off in August as well (3 Fridays and 1 Monday) but I planned this lovely week off to just be. I hope I can allow myself to relax. And I hope my employer can allow me to relax.

    So, most people ask “what are you going to do?” Well, I’m going to read; I’m going to nap; I’m going to get up and sit on my couch and drink coffee; I’m going to clean; I’m going to decorate!

    My goal is to finally get my bedroom in a lovely state and “Autumn-ize” my house. Hopefully, I will have pictures for you soon.

    Category blah blah | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

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