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‘humor’ Category

Driving Miss Katie

August 19, 2007 by Blondette
Everyone thinks they are a good driver. I know the truth.

There are no good drivers, merely different styles of drivers. I decided to highlight a few of the most common types. Be prepared for some shout outs–even one to myself!
1. The Self Important Asshole. Always in a hurry to cut you off, block you in, or use his high beams for no reason.
2. The Johnson County Driver. Often found in clusterfucks due to improper knowledge of defensive driving and affinity for getting lost anywhere outside of Overland Park, Lenexa, Leawood, or Olathe. Will cut you off in their bumbling state.
3. The Grandpa. *coughRobcough* Out for a cruise every time they are behind the wheel. May drive an automatic with 2 feet. May stop at yield signs. Content behind the wheel.
4. The Reckless Endangerment. Not just a speed demon. Accelerates needlessly. Drives 50 miles per hour down a residential street. Tailgates in hopes of making people change lines even when there is no space for lane changing. Does all these things on bridges.
5. The Cruiser. Windows down, top down, music kickin. Often alternates between “The Grandpa” and “The Smooth Criminal.”
6. The Slingshot. Never content to be in the lane they are in. Convinced they can bypass all other cars and eventually gain the elusive open stretch of road. Often has a touch of “The Self Important Asshole” or the “Reckless Endangerment.”
7. The Soccer Mom. Often drives an obnoxious, needlessly large vehicle in the name of lugging children and equipment even though a 4-door sedan or station wagon would suffice. Believe they are exception to every rule of parking. Probably complain about the cost of gas. Beware of the Johnson County variety.
8. The Punchy. Cannot maintain a consistent speed. Causes people to pass them only to reappear as they are passing the person who just passed them. Slows down and must once again be passed. Oblivious that this is annoying.
9. The Overly Defensive, Defensive Driver. A little on edge, they are trying to be the best darn driver that ever drove! Often highly frustrated by other drivers’ failure to obey traffic laws –written and unwritten.
10. The Pushover. Their motto is “Go ahead.” If you need to cut someone off, they are your best option. Often identified by the excessively large following distance or slow rate of acceleration.
11. The Smooth Criminal. Does not drive the speed limit unless they must. Takes calculated risks. Excitable and defensive driver bordering on aggressive. May be named Katie.
12. The Out of Towner. Unfamiliar with local customs. Slows down and stop sometimes in the middle of a street. Most likely to be rear ended.
13. The Bad Driver. No one knows how this guy got his driver’s license. Should rely on public transportation.
I’m a Smooth Criminal. I fear the speeding ticket and fiery crashes but I trust my abilities and my car.
Category Favorite Posts, humor, writing | Tags: | 1 Comment
Very Important Interview with Me

August 13, 2007 by Blondette
I am on the committee for our company newsletter. (must remember to turn in all materials by Monday…eek.)

Each month 3 people from my company are chosen from a green goblet and are interviewed for our publication. (massive press run of 40 copies per month!) This month I managed t0 draw my own name from the goblet of …names. I was challenged with answering the very questions I concocted. (dammit.)

For those who don’t know me…I’m not quick with questions like “name your favorite such and such” “If you could only have one doodad,” and “imagine your mom was a penguin.” I also suck at multiple choice. I thrive on short answer and essay–I totally get to rationalize my line of thinking! (I was told to keep my interview answers short. boo.) I’ve only successfully compiled 3 top 5 lists in my life.

I twisted and twirled in an attempt to let flow the creative and most true parts of myself. Still, I am left with 3 unanswerable questions.
1. If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be? Apparently, I am not allowed to say Tammi.
2. Who would play you in a movie about…you? Obviously, someone insatiably cute, cheerful, blonde, and impish. Yeah, I know, there’s only one me, but there must be a decent cute blonde actress out there somewhere! and she can’t be too skinny
3. If you could start a rumor about yourself, what would it be? Formerly, one of my most pat-myself-on-the-back-gee-I-am-clever questions. Now not so prized among my creations. Frankenstein’s Creature? not quite. I’ve already lived the “Katie’s pregnant” rumor. Apparently, there are some pretty religious people at my office–they totally believe in immaculate conception!
Successfully answered:

Favorite Movie (Circle of Friends or Meet Me in St. Louis–honorable mention to all things Jane Austen)
Favorite Book (Les Miserables or Jane Eyre–honorable mention to all things Jane Austen)
Person You Admire and Why (My stepdad, Bob. He took on 2 messed up teenage kids when he married my mom and he’s been a great father. So many times he could have said “i’m not your dad” but he sacrifices and loves just like we were his from our creation.)
Favorite Thing About Your Job (the variety and challenge)
If You Could Be a Super Hero, Who Would You Be? (She-Ra, Princess of Power. I so want her boots.)
Favorite Color of Underpants? (okay, so this wasn’t included, but it NEEDS to be added! red, by-the-way.)
If You Could Live in Another Time Period What Would It Be? (I’d live in a Jane Austen novel.)
Favorite Author? (How this question torments the avid reader! Maeve Binchy was my answer.)
Suggestions for the Newsletter? (more LOLcats)
Category humor, writing | Tags: | 1 Comment
You Might be Katie Leas if: Part III

August 7, 2007 by Blondette
As I have yet to convince a few people that they are not themselves, and they are in fact, me, I must share a few more clues.

You Might be Katie Leas if:
1. You thought of more stupid things to post about yourself on the Interweb.
2. You finally framed The Rest
3. but Squares with Concentric Rings is still wearing its plastic and pricetag– and is affixed to the wall above your desk!
4. You’re a pretty awesome hostess. and you actually like hostessing
5. You finally bought art for your bedroom walls and it does not have naked people!
6. or cats
7. You work while on vacation.
8. You already forgot some of the things that might make you Katie Leas.
9. You’re very patient and easily pissed off by those who are not patient.
10. You still want to write a novel.
11. and publish a book of personal essays.
12. You like redheads.
13. You can’t stop at 3.
14. You are a member of an elite message board and have Internet friends.
15. who you’ve actually met and hung out with.
16. and you aren’t ashamed. in fact, you think meeting people online is cool because you usually meet over one common interest and find out a lot more that you have in common and it makes it way easier to build a friendship.
17. You want a dog. (but first you need a house with a fenced in yard. *coughBriancough*
18. Your brother is your best friend. He might not know that you feel that way.
19. You think it would be cool to convert a barn into a house.
20. You didn’t know your real name was Catherine until kindergarten. You thought your name really was Katie Marie.
21. Your mom used to call you Princess Mary La-La.
22. and BubblesMcGee
23. but her nickname was “Tuper” and to this day no one knows where the heck that came from.
24. Some of your best childhood memories are of your mom reading you The Little Princess and A Secret Garden.
25. And fairy tales (Cinderella was your favorite.)
26. You learned the word soporific from Peter Rabbit.
27. You can recite the lines from “Meet Me in St. Louis.”
28. One of the first things you do upon returning home is pet your kitty.
Category blah blah, humor, You Might be Katie Leas | Tags: | No Comments
It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Bitch in a Minivan!

August 6, 2007 by Blondette

Prologue

On Saturday, I put the back seats in my car down to allow for more room for the large posters and frames I bought for my apartment.

Chapter 1: Man It’s Hot Outside!

My story begins in the Wal-Mart parking lot. After I finished loading my purchases into my trunk and had returned my shopping cart to the nearest cart corral, I opened my driver’s side door, set down my purse in the seat and proceeded to put my back seats in their proper upright positions so my groceries would not roll around the entire car. Once I finished, I got in the driver’s seat and was closing my door and such as I heard a series of 3 chirping horn honks. The lady next to me was trying to tell me to close my door faster.

Basically, the 30 seconds it took for me to pop my seats back in place and get in my car and close the door were cramping her style. In fact, as if waiting for me to close my door hadn’t been terrible enough, she actually had to wait for pedestrians before she could back out of her parking spot!

It was pretty great when she was still waiting to turn left out of the parking lot while I cruised by taking my right hand turn, sailing toward home while she waited, waited, waited.

And she drove a blue minivan. So, I guess I should feel sorry for her a bit, eh?

Epilogue

Having sped away gleefully yet with rage, I happened upon a large cranberry colored truck with camouflage trim. It made me giggle and some of the anger from the evil hoes beast in the blue minivan subsided.

The End

Category humor, rants, writing | Tags: | 1 Comment
Inky Business: A Waste of Newprint aka my not-so-epic non-battle with The Kansas City Star

August 3, 2007 by Blondette

My battle begins with my ideal of a leisurely Sunday morning that starts promptly at 8am with CBS Sunday Morning, a nice breakfast of something like an omelette and fresh brewed coffee. Add in the Sunday paper full of glorious ads and the crossword puzzle and helllllooo nurse! (if you didn’t get that reference please see: Animaniacs)

In fact as I sit here writing, I receive a call from the KC Star, the second in 2 days that I happened to pick up. Yes, they are thanking me for being a long time subscriber (I’ve subscribed since April or May of this year I believe–I don’t really remember because after about 2 weeks my papers stopped showing up; then interestingly enough a couple months later, a neighbor moved and suddenly I was getting the paper again.)

Once the paper started showing up on a regular basis I was alarmed to learn that I was not just receiving the Saturday and Sunday editions, but the Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday editions. Well, this is NOT what I signed up for. I had been tossing the idea around in my head for a few months when I happened upon a representative from the KC Star at my local grocery store. I caught him, or I should say, he caught me, as he was packing up and as I was exiting the store. I knew I was going to say yes to the Sunday paper, but I was firm in my desire only to receive the paper on the weekends. NO MORE. “but you can take it to work.” “No. It will just sit around. I will not read the paper on weekdays. Do NOT sign me up for weekdays.”

I began receiving the Thurs-Sunday paper. Each paper in its plastic sleeve sat, either in front of my door, (yay, not even making it inside my apartment!) or it sat in box by the cat’s dishes. They were not read. They were not opened. Some lucky pieces ended up in my cat’s litter box.

Now, the Kansas City Star has informed me that for being a loyal customer they are going to send me the paper every day of the week. YIPPEE. It took me 6 months to throw out the box of unread papers. I began taking them to the dumpster or work with me in the morning. Sigh. I tried to tell them no.

I implore you KC Star, take NO for an answer. I know much of your subscriber base for the daily paper is dying off, but there are ways to combat and innovate. You do not have to die simply because your readers are. And you do not have to thrust your inky business upon those of us who have chosen only light readership.

Category blah blah, humor, writing | Tags: | No Comments
You Might Be Katie Leas if: Part II

July 15, 2007 by Blondette
You might (still) be Katie Leas if:
1. You said you’d add to the list–and you did.
2. You over analyze everything.
3. You hate Sunday after lunch time–it might as well be Monday.
4. You’re being stalked by The Fray.
5. You’re being stalked by dead birds. (yeah, it’s gross but seeing 4 dead birds in 3 months? weird)
6. You’re crafty.
7. You’re bubbly, but anxiety prone.
8. You’re empathetic to a fault.
9. Sexual innuendo is your middle name.
10. You’ll undoubtedly think of more stupid things about yourself to post on the interweb.
11. You don’t understand why you’re the only person who likes “Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows.” (okay, you do.)
12. You totally jam out to your custom made ringtones. (see number 11)
Category blah blah, humor, writing, You Might be Katie Leas | Tags: | No Comments
Bye-Bye Little Nicky: An Ode

July 5, 2007 by Blondette

Goodbye to my Little Nicky–the car I loved and hated and loved to hate.

Oh Little Nicky, small Saturn of (former) mine. You were awkward and cramped and I filled you with crap.

You came into my life and I was full of glee. You left my life and I was full of glee. Yes, you came full circle my Little Nicky.

Darling Nicky. You had weird bars in the trunk that diminished storage capacity.

You were low to the ground. Oh how you wanted everyone to see up my skirts! Oh devious Nicky!

Little Nicky, we traveled far. Little Nicky, we drove hard.

I rode your clutch. I took you to 2nd, to 3rd, to 4th, to 5th. OH Nicky, we went around and round those gears.

So dear Little Nicky, may you rest in peace if they part you out. Sweet Nicky, may you live to drive another 145,000 miles—with someone else.

(I need to name my new car. Ideas? )

Category blah blah, humor, writing | Tags: | 1 Comment
Personality in Business

July 5, 2007 by Blondette

It, like, totally matters.

In a not-so-recent discussion with my boss I was asked what I felt my strengths are. Flippantly, I replied “my sparkling personality!”

Humor and levity can do a lot.

In fact, until I know someone, I tend to keep the personality under wraps for fear of being stereotyped as a “bubbly blonde.” To me, bubbly blonde implies dumb. Sorry y’all, but I am not fooled by your M&M alphabetizing tricks!

It made me think, how important is that sparkling personality in my working and personal life?

I found out that I’m still quite shy, but once I’m comfortable that quirky personality is out in full force (and more so when I’ve had a drink or two.) I like to make people feel good and positive.

I also learned that being polite and using humor and building relationships with people is beneficial. People respect you more, like you more, and are more willing to help you out if you have a genuine sparkling personality. It also makes you more susceptible to being taken advantage of.

One of my goals is to stop being so shy and just be myself–that bubbly, Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows self.

I’ll abstain from becoming a raging bitch (at least until I’m old and it becomes allowable.)

PS. Sorry to all for calling the old lady (well, not THAT old–60′s ish) with the handicapped tag in the big white car at Price Chopper a bad name. But just because you’re old and have a handicapped tag on your car doesn’t mean you don’t have to obey the rules of parking lot etiquette–they point the parking places different directions and paint those arrows a specific way for a reason.

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You Might Be Katie Leas if…

July 2, 2007 by Blondette
You might be Katie Leas if:
1. You prefer alpacas to llamas because alpacas are not just weird looking, they’re fluffy.
2. You can switch from court jester to philosopher in 2 seconds without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
3. You really, really like lolcats.
4. You don’t quite like all the Chuck Norris stuff your friends like, but you appreciate the fine form of the hidden gusset.
5. You don’t get the Hoff.
6. You try to make sure people know you are a natural blonde because you aren’t sure your hair is blonde enough.
7. You’re posting because someone found your blog and you totally have to keep it updated now to entertain your public.
8. You went from Saturn to Scion.
9. Your drink is still Captain and (Diet) Coke.
10. One of your all time favorite dreams is of owning a horse ranch even though you don’t actually ride (yet.)
11. You HATE flying but you love seeing new places. That’s why they created barbiturates, right?
12. Reading makes you feel like yourself.
13. Reading makes you feel not like yourself.
14. You can’t tell a real joke with a punchline but you are great with one-liners.
15. You have a kitty cat named Gracie and you feel guilty if you come home too late because she’s been home alone all day.
16. Lolcats are relevant to your interests.
17. You never know how to answer the question “where are you from?”
18. You will add to this list in another post.
Category humor, You Might be Katie Leas | Tags: | No Comments
And It Only Took Me Six Months

April 22, 2007 by Blondette

Three more months and I could have had a baby in the amount of time it took me to buy a coffee table for my new apartment.

In October 2006, I moved to my own apartment in Kansas City North. Prior to my move I lived with my parents at their house in Midtown KC. It was a great opportunity for me to pay off bills and save money so I could afford to live on my own.

I am thrifty. I don’t know if this is an innate personality trait, or just the product of environment. None-the-less, I’m a product researcher. I scoured websites, stores, and other people’s brains. Finally, I purchased a coffee table from Target.com. After 1 week of the table being officially put together and in my living room I can say that I made a good decision.
Special thanks to a kind neighbor for doing the heavy lifting and getting the box containing the table up to my apartment!

The table also forced me to rearrange my living room!

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‘humor’ Category

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Prologue

Chapter 1: Man It’s Hot Outside!

Epilogue