Today I attended a high school show choir competition. My cousin, Lizzy, was competing with her team/squad/group (crap, what are they called? A gaggle? A herd?)
This is also how I came to cry at an inappropriate place and time. Yes, I started crying right there in the front row…during show choir. No amount of glitter and glitz could keep my eyes from leaking. Nuh, uh.
In my defense, the song was about a new day and a new start. Something about blue skies. IT WAS RELEVANT TO MY LIFE. (Damn teenagers!) I’d left my job of 6 years, I’d started working with a personal trainer, my mom died, and I got a new job. All in less than 60 days. But I guess it’s not the first time teenagers have made adults cry and it certainly won’t be the last.
I’ve worried that people don’t think I’m emotional enough and perhaps I’m not grieving hard enough. I assure you, as soon as this becomes real to me, it will be hard. I was less than composed when Bob called me. First, there was the disbelief. Surely, this was a joke. I waited for it to be a joke. It was not. My body was first to accept that there was no impending punchline. It quickly said “Legs say crumble on kitchen floor…rest of body say shake like shake weight, eyes say leak a lot, heart say pound, lungs say “can we get some air in here?” vocal chords slow can only say one word now…no.” Eventually, my brain kicked in and I was able to compose myself. You’ve seen some of the first thoughts I had that night and those that followed that week.
But after those first 24 hours I’ve felt some sort of bubble. I don’t feel like my mom is gone. I sort of see her in front of me to my left. And I feel her. She is the bubble. She’s not gone. On my way to the competition today I asked her not to leave me yet. For a moment, it felt as if she had. But I can still hear her voice in my head “Hi Hunny…I love you! I’m proud of you every day of my life.” I can still see her slightly crooked smile. And her hands…I can see her hands. And her poor, sparce eyebrows that she over-plucked when she was younger and which never grew back.
It’s quite hard to be sad when you feel so much love. Unless a group of glittery teenagers sings to you. Then you better watch your back.
