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‘heart of the matter’ Category

  1. It’s in the Way She Moves

    January 6, 2011 by Blondette

    Sometimes I stare at my ceiling and absorb the geometry of the beams as they cut from wall to wall. My living room and kitchen are open to each other so when I painted, I made sure the colors had a subtle flow. If you look close enough at the beams (right, soffit [sic] is probably the more accurate term here) you will notice that they are one shade darker than the living room walls – and that they match the kitchen. I believe the color is called “Gentle Fawn.” Sadly, a number of gentle fawns find themselves staring at the sky after being hit by a car ’round these parts.

    A lot of thought went into choosing the perfect colors for my home. I wanted to create the right atmosphere – warm, inviting, and snuggley – part library, part bistro. Before now I’d never really thought about whether the paint actually looked like “warm caramel” or a gentle “fawn.” That is, until I found myself contemplating my ceiling.

    When I can’t find a way to express myself, release my emotions, I often drift to the observing my surroundings. Am I looking for something to comfort me? Something to distract me? Something to re-focus and calm me? I don’t know. A few years ago I discovered a large mistake I’d made at work. Unfortunately, the mistake cost the company a large sum of money and there was no immediate way to recoup the loss. After immediately bringing it to the attention of my boss and having a “wtf are we going to do dinner” I found myself lying on my couch (man that is a good couch – it now resides in my basement because I just can’t bear to get rid of it) staring at the ceiling – numb. Not sure if I was absorbing or reflecting emotion.

    Geometry was never my favorite subject, but I’ve always loved the look of a clear, crisp line. Sometimes, I really wish life was a little more like geometry.


  2. Fa fa la la

    October 17, 2010 by Blondette

    I like holiday episodes. Themes. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. They are unavoidable and certain. They usually involve interaction by all the cast in some sort of gathering that stirs something crazy or heartfelt. A lot of times they make me cry.

    What else would you expect from an idealist?


  3. Vacation Day Two

    September 8, 2010 by Blondette

    Today I awoke with one goal:  plan meals.

    I use a few sites* to find ideas and inspiration to not just eat the same old things. Sometimes you need help sparking your brain and steering away from the easy food ruts (i.e. Chipotle and Subway.)

    I’m also trying to get away from the frozen meals for lunch. You know, in a convenient box, plastic, ice crystals, NOT FILLING. Yep. A little time in the kitchen and I can get rid of those things in favor of more balanced, tastier, more filling meals.

    Anyway, I’m going to share a secret with you:  I can cook. When I was a little girl I used to make concoctions in the kitchen. I helped my mom from an early age. When we were still getting our footing in KC after leaving Oregon, I used to whip up delicacies like souffle. Really, it was whipping eggs and tossing in some cheese and meat because eggs were cheap and we didn’t have much money, but I felt useful.

    So, here’s my first little “cookbook” on Spark People!

    Dinner at Its Best – A collection of happy, healthy, and hearty dinnertastic recipes!

    *sites: Hungry Girl, Weight Watchers, Spark People


  4. Revival

    September 6, 2010 by Blondette

    Give me that old-time religion,
    Give me that old-time religion,
    Give me that old-time religion,
    It’s good enough for me.

    It seems that Blondette has lost its brilliance. I don’t know if it’s due to the darker dalliance or if it’s simply a transitional time.

    Regardless, I seek to find that spark that once compelled me to point out how you might be Katie Leas, important life lessons, and how to win my love.

    I was perusing the Twitterverse when I came across a link to Brainzooming. The particular post that caught my fancy was “25 Blog Posts You Could Write Today.” Wah? Yes, friends. Yes, I can.

    A lot of what I write tends to be observation and reflection. I throw in the occasional list for comedic value, though my own fumbling somehow tends to be more amusing.

    Oh yes, the point, you ask? Well, I need to get back to my old-time religion! And by that of course I mean I need to write more frequently!


  5. Identifying the Issue

    August 22, 2010 by Blondette

    I spend a lot of time being idealistic and thinking about what’s possible. The catch is that I think too much and act too little. Lately I’ve been realizing that part of my unhappiness is that I have no one to share my life with. (yep, that’s a preposition ending my sentence.) When I was growing up, I had my brother. In college, my roommates. But for the past 4 years, I’ve been living completely on my own. It definitely has its perks, but as time goes on, I miss having someone to come home to and chat with. Someone to wake up  to and chat with. Someone to watch the same program on television and share commentary. Someone to cook with, eat with, and do dishes for. I love my alone time but it seems far less fulfilling.


  6. July 29, 2010 by Blondette

    Until yesterday, I’d never cried on an airplane. In fact, I try to keep crying, particularly crying in public, to a minimum. It embarrasses me and the shame and awkwardness I feel is just unnecessary when I already feel shame and awkwardness due to my weight. I went through a phase where nothing reached me and I simply did not feel that burning leap that comes with the rush of whatever happy or sad emotion generates the crying response. And then it was back. And it was really back. So back that very small things would bubble up. In fact, I can’t card shop at Hallmark these days without welling up (I’m not kidding here, just so you know.)

    On that flight I came to realize that I’m depressed. Officially and completely, depressed. The signs and symptoms have been around for months, but I’ve been trying to slog through them and for whatever reason, I am simply no longer able to “slog.” If I’m not sad, I’m angry. If I’m not angry, I’m anxious. I have no motivation to keep a clean house or make myself presentable. It’s some sort of miracle that I’ve kept any momentum on eating healthier and exercising given my motivation issues. I can only hope this means that the worst has come and I’m pulling out of the trance because I’m doing something to save myself.

    So now, I look to my family, friends, God, and I turn inward…and I take Xanax.


  7. I Always Clean My Toilet For Guests

    October 16, 2008 by Blondette

    I find that a clean bathroom when guesting can significantly increase your level of comfort in a place that is not home. Your bathroom at home may not be super clean, but you expect more from an outside establishment.

    My pre-guest prep work is generally a tizzy of cleaning binge- wrangling laundry, cleaning the litter box, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, and closing my bedroom door. This tizzy is usually conducted only hours prior to the actual arrival of guests- it just makes it all fresher. I generally try to vacuum (but I have vacuum cleaner woes- I’d love a shopvac if anyone is interested in just giving me one) and light either scented candles, or scented oil.

    Warm, inviting and comfortable. That’s how my home should feel to others. I also love “hostessing.” That is, cooking and taking care of others. I’m pretty sure I’ve written previously about my desires to have dinner parties (these don’t even have to be parties so much as, just a friend or two over for dinner.) People, I promise, I can actually cook. I just don’t do it for myself. Invite yourself over- just give me at least 2 hours notice. If you don’t, I’ll only be able to triage my apartment and cannot guarantee perfection.

    One recent hostessing decision I made was to actually clean my bedroom and let the guests have my bedroom. It’s just easier. The cats can’t stay locked in one room all night (they can open doors) and I tend to get up earlier than my guests. (what? you don’t get up at 7:30am?) Part of the reason I find myself up earlier than guests is purely survivalist. I must be able to get ready and settled (aka take possession)- shower, etc. If you really want to mess with me, get up before me and hog the bathroom. It will drive me insane, but I won’t be able to tell you so. (oh please please please DON’T actually do this.)

    I apparently want to be that crazy matriarch who cooks the holiday meals and hosts events. It’s true. I envision myself hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas. From the decorations down to the dessert – lovely tablecloths, garland, delightful aromas, merry melodies. ahh yes. And it doesn’t just have to be major holidays. I can create these scenes for just a normal day.

    So, come on over. I’ll make you some chicken or a roast. I’ll make you some eggs and some toast. And I promise to clean the toilet because I always clean my toilet for guests.


  8. A Year in the Life of One Catherine Leas

    December 8, 2007 by Blondette

    One Catherine Leas reflects at the end of each year on all the things she thought she would do with the 365 odd days that fill the waning year. She knows she will be lucky to achieve her goals for the year–never 100%, always valuable.

    The first remarkable year in her life was 1986. She was 5. She made paper chains and hats from construction paper. She dug tunnels on the beach and her blonde hair sailed in the ocean breeze. It was Christmas at Pajaro Beach, California. The pictures show a happy girl; “Quintessential Katie” she calls herself. There was shiny red garland left to make her think Santa Clause had found her in her condo by the sea. She knew the truth, but she played along.

    Years followed; up and down life traveled. Catherine grew. Unfortunately, she grew horizontally too.

    The second remarkable year in the life of Catherine Leas was 1997. She was 16. Beautiful and tragic both–a year that forever weights events that grew to shape the woman she became (weights, grew and shape are no accidental word choices.) This was the first full year her mother had been remarried. This was a year when she took her misery and said “no more.” She learned that her will was strong and she lost weight. She saw her dad (she hasn’t seen him since) and her brother graduated high school. She started marching band (a nerdy goal, but a goal none-the-less.) She sat vigil with her family on her grandfather’s death bed for 1 long week in September. She sank into a depression that would not ease until 3 years later when she was in college.

    College. She learned how to be social. And how to take shots. It took her 5 years, and that last bit was intense, but she learned her strength.

    The third remarkable year in Catherine’s life was 2005. She was 24. Enough was enough one day. She said goodbye to M&Ms and the couch and hello to salads, Subway, and the North Kansas City Community Center. She said goodbye to 70 pounds. (yeah, I know, wow, huh?) She wondered what color was her parachute and while she tried to figure it out, she helped weekly as a caregiver for her grandmother–recently diagnosed with dementia. She took an internship with an advertising agency and hoped to gain something valuable.

    In 2006 she learned what it meant to work full-time. And she made a few mistakes along the way.

    The fourth remarkable year in this one woman’s life was 2007. Remarkable indeed. She set New Year’s Resolutions times three:

    1. Take a class.
    2. Travel to one of those places I’ve been wanting to visit.
    3. Get back into a regular workout pattern. (aka revert to healthier habits)

    Well, #1 didn’t happen. Perhaps it will carry over to 2008.
    #2 happened! Catherine finally went to Seattle and New Orleans (she went to Indianapolis too, but it doesn’t count because she didn’t really care.) (in 2008 her goal is to visit the east coast and Savannah, Georgia and plan a trip to Europe.)
    #3, well, the regular workout pattern did not happen. She did work on her eating habits several times.

    What did happen in 2007? Oh so much. 2007 was a very full year.

    3 jobs–all within the same company, 1 month-long fight followed by a drunken truce, several deepened friendships, 1 meaningful kiss, a coffee table, several pairs of new shoes, art and picture frames, a new car.

    Each day teaches a lesson. Each year captures who we were and who we are. I can look to each year and see how I have changed and grown. I am so different, yet still me. I won’t predict 2008, but I know where I want to go. Will I get there in 2008? Maybe not, but it could be another remarkable year none-the-less.