How to Fart in Public: A Life Lesson by Katie

…and not get caught (unless you want to.)

It’s quite simple if you want to fart in public and not get caught. Yes, these methods have been tested. In order to fart in public, and not get caught (and I’m talking really breaking wind here- rippin one, an SBD, crop dusting, etc) you must simply create diversions of sound, movement, humor, deflection, or another odor.

Here’s how it’s done:

Sound

1. drop something- a book, a passel of CDs, something that makes a loud bang, thud, or shattering noise.
2. wear loud shoes (easier for women wearing high heels)- no one will hear your fart if you wear loud click-clacky shoes! just make sure you are actually making them go click-clack when you go thrump-poot.
3. start talking loudly- you might catch someone off guard, or even out-right scare them, but they’ll be in so much shock from your scaring the crap out of them (good opportunity for them to get a fart in too- it’s a fart party!) that they won’t register any sort of disturbance in the force

Movement

1. Quickly evacuate the scene. “Haul ass” if you will.
2. The popular “crop dusting” technique would fit under this category as well- this is where you disperse a series of lower level, smaller “mini-farts” while walking.
3. Stroll off non-nonchalantly.
4. Become very interested in something just over yonder.

Humor

1. Own your fart. Laugh it off.
2. Make it into a public joke. (or a private one) Ever heard of “pull my finger?”

Deflection,

or “it was the dog.”

Okay, you can totally blame that stinker on the dog, if you’re near one, but if you’re out and about living your life and freeing your intestines of the oppression they suffer at the hand of your bean burrito, stand next to:

1. an old person- Sorry, but who’s the more likely candidate?
2. a teenage boy- again, sorry, but who’s the more likely candidate?

Another Odor

Either time the release when you are in a highly oderiffic area, or bring the odor to area.

1. gas pump- ha, yes, you too are a “gas pump” of sorts, but hey, if you’re out there, you may has well let it rip because the air is already so full of the smell of gas, what’s a little more?
2. fish counter- nothing competes with that horrid smell; I guess the fish has gone bad…
3. perfume spray- maybe you’ll make people sneeze which totally means they won’t smell your stink bomb
4. lotion smelling- HERE SMELL THIS! (heh heh)
5. flowers- mmm, take a big whiff! don’t these smell great?!

So, there you go. Those are some basic methods for farting in public. And as an added bonus, here’s a little ammunition to fuel the testing:

Things that make you fart:

1. Beans
2. Cauliflower
3. Carbonated Beverages
4. Dairy (in some people)
5. Beer
6. Artificial sugars/sweeteners
7. Broccoli
8. Apples

And how about some other causes of flatulance for good measure?

Toot-a-loo!

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