As I was driving home from knitting (where I knat knot) the idea for this post struck me. Yes, it was a force! (okay not really; it’s more like a gentle creeping thought that’s been lingering for a few weeks.)
I can’t seem to pass a building, watch a movie, or hear a song without remembering an event or person. Usually, it’s a person. And usually, it’s a person I miss or am not as close to anymore. For example, I cannot take the exit from 152 an North Oak without thinking about: OFR, Tammi, vodka, and trivia. (bastards took away my trivia!)
This evening it was a CVS Pharmacy that stirred me. Of all places to remind me of someone it was so not the likely candidate. But there you go.
Let me back up for a minute too- yesterday was deja vu day (and you thought it was just “Sunday.”) I woke up and got a “wanna get coffee text.” (it’s been awhile so I was excited). That of course stirred thoughts of other times- breezy spring days, warm summer mornings, chilly autumn Saturdays filled with venti soy Pumpkin Spice lattes, books and giggles. Then I saw a dead bird by my stairs which reminded me of the time when I just kept seeing dead birds and started to get a little freaked out thinking that it had to be a sign of impending doom. When I got in the car I couldn’t flip to a radio station that wasn’t playing a song that was absolutely tied to one of two people.
So, my whole being was pulsing with nostalgia. Has anyone ever talked about about how much nostalgia hurts? Cuz, it does. Nostalgia is not warm and fuzzy. It hurts in that maybe if my insides knot up enough they’ll form a vortex to the past and I’ll be transported back in time to when things were happy and when I didn’t know that someday I’d be thinking and feeling back to these moments wishing I could do something so crazy as feel so intensely that I erased the pain and made it all better.
If you followed that, congratulations. And also, welcome to my brain at 11pm.
My new quest is trying to make memories that are just about me and not tied to other people. I could say it’s me trying to assert my independence, but really, I think it’s because I want to have a few things in life that aren’t masked in the memory of others because nothing gold can stay.
So, the caffeine must have kicked in after all.
Great post. This is the Katie we adore. You’re so right that Nostalgia is bittersweet. Just this morning on the way to work I heard a tune that took me back to my pre-Bill days & of the guys who were important in my life through the years – each with his own song. It made me miss the times when I was more desireable. The other thing that sets me off is when it’s a beautiful day & the birds are singing. Those were some two of the last phrases my Mother-In-Law said to me the day before she died. Isn’t it weird how something so wonderful in life can make you feel sad? I guess it’s good that after 3 years, I’m still sad for her because it means she was special.
I try to let the sadness cleanse me & allow it to point to something good in my life now that I can appreciate.
April, your comment made me very happy.
I got honorable mentions!! I LOVE this post. It makes me feel like you also miss our friendship.
I’m sorry I’m so far behind on reading your blog!!
Some of my favorite times and highlights in my young life