…I gave up booze and every day I am living a dual reality. I get up, go to work, come home. (Sometimes I go to the grocery store or Target on the way.) In one world, I’m bright, capable and in control. In the other world, I’m lonely and relearning how to live. My weaknesses and mistakes have lead me somewhere that I’m afraid to leave and in which I’m afraid to be trapped.
I’m still trying to figure out how to be this person and this is likely to be a topic for while yet (that’s my way of saying,
“get used to it–I figure things out through writing and guess where I write?”) There are some things that I can’t help thinking had to happen (bad things-things that make me hurt everyday-yay pain! oh wait, no, pain sucks), but I also have this Buffy-like hope that doing the right thing and making amends with the world will somehow set everything right again. And yes, I’m referring to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I’ve been watching nearly every day on Hulu. I’m hoping her ass-kicking will help motivate me to get off of my ass. Wouldn’t it be great if I channeled all of my road rage and angsty “I’m so lonely, what have I done?” life-transition energy into something like working out? What a great idea!
