The worst music is playing- it sounds like watered down popular music melodies mixed into easy listening- the sort of easy listening that’s usually paired with meditation or rain sounds cds. The stuff no one actually likes but for some reason exists. I just finished the almond poppy seed muffin I was craving, and now I’m trying to figure out how to write something that will make people understand what it is I’m actually feeling.
I feel as though I’m trying to reconcile my own health with my mother’s, balance my work and personal life balance, and maintain order at home. Sadly, I tend to really only be able to focus on one thing at a time. I’m not good at having multiple balls in the air. I’m either doing well at home or doing well at work- and sometimes I’m not doing well at either.
My pants are a tad too short- likely because I now need more material to cover my belly so there’s less to reach down to my ankles. My mom’s recent diagnosis as a diabetic has me very concerned about my own health and behaviors. Not that I wasn’t already very focused on my growing need to purchase a size larger, but now it’s more than vanity and self image at stake. Gaining 10 pounds over the past few months has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. And that’s in addition to the 15 I’d already gained. I’m up 2 sizes from where I was 3 years ago. If only other things in life were as easy as gaining weight. Not that I’m opposed to hard work (well, if it’s manual labor involving a house or yard I am.) I’ve been very lax lately with my eating and exercising habits. I feel heavy, not lithe and fluid. I feel a barrier between myself and my desires- all fat. Perhaps I am less in synch with myself because of this obstacle. Yet, I still like myself.
I’m now at home and my brother is emptying my dishwasher and taking care of the dishes that have been in my sink for over a week- yes that’s right- OVER A WEEK. I started cleaning but stopped at some point and plopped on my couch for a Felicity marathon. He started the dishwasher, which means I will be delayed the shower I’m longing to take. (I got up and went out for coffee this morning without showering! yep yep!)
I really suck at asking for help. Or reaching out to people. I’ve matured in a lot of ways, but that’s one area I still haven’t quite mastered. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for me. Maybe because in my earliest years the response was so negative. Not that I’m a “oh boo poor me I had a crappy childhood I blame my parents for everything” sort of person. At one point, I was but I’ve since learned that while that had impact on me, I can define who and what I am. It’s still hard when you’ve been Pavlov’s dog. I tend to need people to let me know it’s okay speak up. Or to reach out to me- but that’s not really fair because I do tend to hide things and keep my real needs and thoughts pretty close to my core. When I do ask, I tend to botch the asking. It’s this great quirk of mine that makes me irritated for my friends. I must really suck to deal with sometimes, and why would they even try?
What I’m getting at– I want to have my shit together. I don’t want to be a fuck-up. I want to be normal and healthy, only I don’t know if that even exists.
I’m here for ya. But I am not normal!! Far from it!!I can’t juggle any balls! I’m never happy with the way things are and am always worried about my health and my weight….go figure!!To be honest sometimes I get so tired of everything I just want to not care about anything!!I feel OLD!!!
We’re none of us ever going to get there. Otherwise, why bother trying?