Four years ago I answered a question honestly. It just so happened that it was the wrong answer for the situation.
I was twenty-three, freshly degreed and living with my parents. I spent my days agonizing over finding my perfect career. I woke up at 5am, watched CNN’s American Morning (Soledad O’Brien, I’ll never forgot that heart charm necklace that you wore) ate a Balance bar and drank a cup of coffee and exchanged morning pleasantries with my parents. Once alone, I’d usually fall asleep until about 8am when my favorite shows came on (Designer Guys and another show that’s name is escaping me at the moment). In the evening, I ate M&Ms (okay, I ate M&Ms during the day too) and read “What Color is Your Parachute.” I probably checked out more than 30 books related to career searches (and a few non-career books too–hey, I was unemployed! I had to have something other than TV!) If I wasn’t napping I was online perfecting my resume and job hunting.
One day, about a month after I graduated, I got a bite. Yes, someone found me (and it wasn’t a scam!) It turns out an editor was about to take maternity leave and the company needed a temp to cover her assignments for a few months. The job paid $15 an hour and came with real grown-up responsibilities and they wanted to interview me.
My first interview consisted of testing and a meeting with someone from the team. While I didn’t hit 100% on the proofreading test, I did do something they’d never seen before; I scored in the top of the bell curve on all the other tests. (I’m so well-rounded! And I’m not just talking about my voluptuous physique.) They asked me back for a second interview (smart folks) and self-consciously clad in my brown top and green and brown skirt and sheer over shirt, I nervously met with the group. (yes, that’s a lot of adverb and adjective usage.)
All-in-all, I made two fatal errors that cost me the job. I joked about being detail-oriented, but “not crazy anal.” BZZZZ. Wrong answer. Editors have to be crazy anal and detail-oriented. Up next, someone asked what remains one of my least favorite interview questions ever (and I interview people on a regular basis)–”Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Oh. Wait, am I supposed to know? I haven’t tried anything yet. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what I’m good at. I am still clueless. Don’t they know that I have 30 books at home and bookmarked websites explicitly because I don’t know the answer to that question? Okay, so, what do I know I want in life. Ultimately, I want to work at home and I want to have a family.
“I’d like to be working as an editor and writer–maybe freelance–from home. I’d like to have kids and be home for them.”
Lesson number two of the interview: don’t say you want to work from home and have kids. All that says is “I don’t want to work a lot.” It may also say, “I will arrive late, leave early, and call in a lot.” SUPER! Just what we were looking for! When can you start?
I eventually gained employment after an interesting path of self-discovery (for real yo! I decided to focus on the things that were issues in my life–remember the M&Ms?–and some family issues arose.)
Next year will be my “five years from now” that came up in that interview. Where am I?
It turns out that my answer is almost the same and I’m nowhere nearer the goal. I want to be in the world of words. Literature, writing, theme–these things have meaning and evoke passion in me. Finding a way to share my passion is what I want. I’d love to teach literature and writing classes. (you’re judging me now, aren’t you?) Occasionally, when I read a book I mentally add it to my curriculum. I’d also like to write and be a published author. (while I publish my posts online, it’s not the same as seeing your book on the shelves at Borders, Barnes and Noble, and the numerous other bookstores that exist.) I can’t hold my blog in my hand and turn its pages, breathe in the scent of the paper, and feel its weight in my bag.
But that is only once piece of where I want to be. I want to get married and have kids. Wife and mother are two occupations at which I know I will flourish. In some ways, I think it’s what I was born to do, more than anything else. I want to create a family –and it is probably cliche, but I want to quilt from the happy events and memories of my own childhood and weave in those that I only saw on TV and read about in books. (and imagined) It’s not wrong to know I want these things. I sometimes wrestle with the social acceptance of admitting that, yes, my ultimate goal is to get married and have kids. Apparently, it frightens men when they know this is what a woman wants.
These are actually the two goals that I find most difficult to attain. I care too much and hold hope where I should not. I close myself off, despite my deepest desires. I’m 27 and already feeling the pressures and fears of being 30 and nowhere closer to my dreams of a family. I wonder if men feel the same stigmas but think perhaps it is less intense and onset is a bit later.
Today, I remembered that I have choices and each day I make the choice not to change. Is it fear? Will I set my course straight in time to be on track for my 5-year goal? Something tells me I won’t find the answers in a book–unless I write it.
