Person 1b

Last night marks the 3rd time I’ve tried to watch the movie Elizabethtown.

The first time was on a date where the guy would not keep his hands and lips to himself and let me watch the movie. So, I missed the movie–and was not exactly happy. One or two dates later and that guy was history–that’s an interesting story for another day–and not for my blog.

The second time was a few nights ago. I had been wandering around WalMart and happened upon a giant display of $5 DVDs. I saw Elizabethtown and said “hey, I never did get to watch that.” So, a few nights ago, I unhooked my DVD player from the living room tv and set it up in my bedroom.

The volume was too low, but I was in bed and I don’t have a remote control for my bedroom tv, so I didn’t adjust the volume. Then I fell asleep. Drew had only just arrived in Elizabethtown when I drifted off. I woke up to the menu asking me if I wanted to Play. oh well.

The third time I tried to watch Elizabethtown, I started to wonder if I’d chosen the wrong movie. It grabbed me at first, not by the heart, but by the mind. This man, so devoted to his career and his dream, became oblivious to other basic and important elements in his life. He did not see his family for holidays, he did not take a road trip with his father–in fact, he didn’t even really know his father. So, my mind immediately said, “hmm. Katie, you do seem to step out of family life and into work life–and yes, it is easier because work is so constant and necessary and such a driving force, but…you haven’t seen your father in 10 years.” And thus, I got on the daddy train of thought. I tend to be very one-track minded at times. I drive myself crazy. And it just stuck there–You haven’t seen your dad in 10 years.

Remember, I said my heart was not grabbed–just my mind. This is most likely because I’ve run the marathon of emotion about my relationship with my dad for over 20 years. There’s no pain left to feel; no tears left to cry. I was saddened by the fact that it’s been 10 years, but I understand it. And I shouldn’t let you think that I’ve not spoken or that we have a bad relationship–neither is true.

I pushed aside my mind and (OMG 10 YEARS) and just watched the movie–and that’s when my heart was grabbed.

I like to think I’m like Claire (Kirsten Dunst.) She has a habit of “taking pictures” and I do the same thing–only I don’t make the little click noise and pantomime. Drew collected last looks, and Claire collected other looks. One thinking of the end, the other only of the moment.

Claire’s idea that she and Drew are substitute people intrigued me. Claire’s statement that “I’m impossible to forget, but I’m hard to remember” is so sad and so true at times. To realize that there is something about you that makes you not enough to be someone’s person, or more than their 1b or 2a person is not pleasant. You have to find the person (or people) who will make you #1 (no a or b), not number 2 or number “for right now.” We move in and out of people’s lives (each other’s lives)–weaving…sometimes dropping a stitch or 5. I’m cute and cuddly (among other fine qualities) and I deserve to be more than a substitute person–so do all of you.

I loved that this movie shows that what we think is bad timing just might be perfect–it’s life. Timing just is. It’s what we do with what we are given.

Just like Claire (and everyone else), “I’m one of a kind.” Me? I ended up wearing my underwear backwards all day yesterday–and the other day I fell out of my chair..then the chair fell on me. I also believe that the fragrance I wear on any given day has direct impact on the events that transpire on that day.

Life is not a movie (or a book.) I know. I know. I know. and I keep telling myself that. Yet…why isn’t it? Why can’t it be? So maybe I don’t “know.” I don’t want to know dammit. I want life to be a movie (or a book.) and so it shall be to me. It sometimes makes me do and say things that are just a little…too much. And knowing (ha–yes I do know some stuff) this about myself, I do censor and reserve at times. But I think my filter is broken. Being vulnerable is who I am, but I do try to protect myself.

Elizabethtown touches not just on romantic love, but family love, and self love (not that kind perverts.) It creates a synergy of the love we experience in life. The glowing threads that sew our patchwork.

After watching Elizabethtown for the 3rd–and first real time–I went to bed with a smile on my face and a warm, bursting heart.

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