Reality makes me irritable. I tend to believe I can control everything, down to the will of others and the universe. (does that mean I have a God complex?) You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. Do not misunderstand me, I do not believe in utopia or a life and universe where everything and everyone is happy. Sure, I try to be all about “Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows” but life and happiness would be nothing without the full spectrum of emotion; anger, pain, angst, anxiety, ecstasy, fear, love. Contrast and challenge.
This is another prime example of how I’m really a 3 year old trapped in the body of woman in her mid-twenties. Young children do not comprehend the word “no” or the fact that their parents cannot control everything and that they cannot have everything they want. I still think I can have everything I want. I suppose I have 3 sides: the 3 yr old, the teenage boy, and the woman.
The 3 year Old.
Freud, Piaget, man y’all…they’ve got something on me. I frollick, I throw tantrums (complete with flailing limbs and whining.) I have a crazy undaunted hopefulness. I also have a tendency to wander off away from whomever I am with. With this also comes a childlike exuberance and unbridled joyfulness.
Oh and I totally have an oral fixation.
Things always work out. I have moments where I question my faith in higher powers, self, others, but ultimately, it all comes back to that power of will. Sometimes the solution is letting go. I got very sick during finals one semester in college and could do nothing but let go. The result? It was hard, but I made it through.
The Teenage Boy.
Nothing can be said that I can’t make into a dirty, sexual innuendo. And I take both pride and pleasure in it. I giggle and smirk whenever someone says something innocent. Thankfully, I work with a few other people who are stuck in the teenage boy mindset. I think my name should be “oh Katie” for all the times I make a comment and Tammi has to say “oh Katie”–with amusement, shock, and disgust.
Hey, sex is part of life. Maybe if I was getting a little more it would be on my mind less. (LIE. BLATANT LIE.)
Did I mention my oral fixation?
The Woman.
I think people underestimate me. As a sensitive, caring person I can often be mistaken for fragile. I am not fragile. I require honesty. I do not want to be treated like I can’t handle the truth. In fact, that’s one of my biggest pet peeves. I suppose I shouldn’t treat others that way either.
I have a chip on my shoulder, but I can cope with anything. I have overcome quite a bit of self doubt and self esteem issues. My dad never hit me–well, there was spanking, but in the early 80′s that was really pretty much par for the course. Maybe not everyone got it with a belt or a wooden hairbrush but hey, my ass turned out okay. (mmm hmm! and how!) Perhaps my command of words is due to the way they were used against me when I was younger. Now I can control them.
These are things that shape me and actually aid me. I am no longer easily intimidated by people. I can deal with difficult people and situations. I am able to create a barrier between myself and the emotion. Sometimes this is a vice as I block out my ability to express and share. But managing my emotions is important. Never let people see you’re hurt or angry. Never let people see weakness. Never ask for what you want. Things I’m working on. There’s a level of safety and trust that must be established before I can open myself to people in those ways. Self preservation, “survival mode” was necessary for many years. A life built upon instability…
All being said, I’m strong. I’m intelligent. I’m the kind of woman people write about in songs and books. (no, not a coke whore or a prostitute.)
Me in 3′s Some More.
I am:
Sunshine –Bright and impetuous.
Lollipops– Sweet and lickable..err, likable. 
and hey, there’s that oral fixation again.
Rainbows — all the unique and interesting things that together create one beautiful whole.
Never ask for what you want?? Never let people see weakness?? I disagree. There are some times that you have to let people see your weaknesses. There are only a select few out there that will keep that knowledge close to their chest where it should stay rather than the rest of the world that will use it to cut you down. The hardest part is figuring out who you can trust. And ALWAYS ask for what you want. I can’t preach that because I can’t always do it. (Katie, you know better than anyone what I’m refering to here.) I just think you deserve quite possibly more than most people I know, to get what you want.
I should clarify, I don’t necessarily agree with not showing weakness or asking for what you want. In fact, I believe that we grow stronger by doing these things. But I do still have a hard time with those things, I am very careful with whom I share weakness, angst, vulnerability, and sadness.
Happiness–well, I share that with all.
Indeed you do!! How many days have there been that I was ranting and raging about work and you came in with your cheer and my day was made happier?? You’ve made my world cheery on many occasions.
So sign me up for the “Teenage Boy”. I can’t resist turning something into a sex joke. Hmmm…I wonder why?
You guys know why. But still, I laugh at the most juvenile things, like poop and fart jokes.